goodbye

I know you have all heard me say that the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. That is by far one of my favorite quotes. There is just so much truth to it. My life has changed so much since I started this blog that its unreal. I feel like this blog represents so much negative that has occured in my life. I want to start fresh so that is what I am going to do. I am going to be creating a new blog. A blog where i hold absolutly nothing back. Anyway, I know this is a short goodbye but it doesnt have to be goodbye. If you want to keep reading about what does (or doesnt for lack of a better word) happen in my life email me at justordinaryguy@live.com and i will email you the new link. Thank you so much for all of the support you have given me so far :)

on my own.

Well, I did it. I moved away from home! I packed up everything i owned and moved six hours across the state. My nerves had me absolutly sick the days before I left. I put off packing untill i possibly couldnt wait any longer. I have learned the only way I do things when I'm scared is to just leap. Its kinda like you are about to get into the pool. I believe that it was Mary Katherine Gallager (yes off superstar!) that made that analogy at the beginning of the movie. You can either dip your toes in and test the water first or you can just leap! I tried just dipping my toes in the giant pool we call risk, but i can never get completly in. Therefor, I must leap. Not take any time to think about it, just close my eyes and jump in! I have been here for almost three weeks and it has definatly been bittersweet. I am gettting a little bit of cabin fever sitting in this apartment not knowing many people, but it is good to be away for what was normal. My anxiety hasn't made this move easy. Everything has been really hard for me, including riding the bus to campus. I didnt think i would ever survive that awkward bus ride. The campus difference between my old jr college and the university i'm at now. The UNI is huge with people everywhere. This is going to sound super small town but there are also a lot different cultures everywhere. I like seeing different, but I still feel alone. I need to meet people. I have watched a lot of greys anatomy during the past three weeks, so im full of wonderful Meredith Grey quotes but really sticks out to me know is, "We either embrace change, or we get left behind." I have decided im not getting left behind. I am going to jump into every pool possible. I am going to do the things that scare me the most.


You know, I am a really bad gay guy. I really have no clue what to do, besides loving men, to define me as a gay man. Am i supposed to like fashion? Am i supposed to love to decorate? How should I dress? There is also the thinking that I am just myself, and that me being gay doesn't define me as a whole. I would like to know more about homosexuality, I wanna know our history and know what i should stand for. I need gay friends. I need to know what other gay people are like, to get to know myself (if that makes anything else). This brings up the question, and if you have the answer please let me know, but where does one find the gay community and make gay friends? The movie MILK is awesome and really sparks my interest in gay rights. There is a GLTB group on campus that I plan on attending, if I can get the courage to go alone.

a fork in the road.

my senior year of high school I had seven class periods. four out of the seven teachers were born and raised in my small west texas town. this facinated me, so I asked why they were still there. every single one of them gave me the same answer. once your a small town kid your always a small town kid. from that day forward I promised myself that I was different. I was never a small town kid. of course going to college, I moved to the smallest city I could find right in the middle of the bible belt. not to mention it was only an hours drive from home. in four short days im finally getting out! im moving out of the bible belt to a much bigger city six hours from home. I have never been so scared in my life. my therapist told me that its the things in life that scare us the most that are the most worth it. of course me being this scared only proves that I actually was a small town kid. I am bout to purposely and completely put my life in a different direction. will I be happy with the choice? only time will tell.

oh uh.

stoner girl is my absolute best friend. I don't talk about her enough on here. this weekend stonergirl and i's lesbian best bff came into town. it was also my last weekend in town. of course every night we get fucked up and go to whatever club is having gay night. im a pothead so im not really much of a going out type of person these days so for me to do it three nights in a row is crazy! tonight we went and I danced my ass off, had a three way make out session with my lez bff and some stranger we met in the bathroom (i know, where's the boys right?), and had a blast! one thing though, at the end of the night stonergirl disapears. one of our mutual friends comes up to me to tell me that she has been in the bathroom doing coke. I was pissed, scared, and shocked. we have been best friends for the last year and a half and we had our first fight. it was awful and I hated it. when we parted ways I was so scared. I had never felt so alone. the one person I wanted to tell my favorite parts of the night I couldn't talk to. I felt alone. we are absolutly fine now. I went home smoked a bowl and texted her. its all out of the way now. did I mention that this was a two hour time frame? im to drunk to type. damn sangria.

the only thing that stays the same is everything changes

I just read dizzys (love you to!) last post and it made me start to wonder how long its been since I started blogging. its been a little over a year for me also! I just have one question, where the hell has this year gone? time is always something that has always facinated me. I can't grasp the concept. one minute your life is one way but in a single moment it can all be different. nothing has stayed the same for me in the last year. when I first started blogging I had just found out that my 17 year old sister was pregnant. at the time I was only selfishly thinking of my sister. wondering if she could handle it, would she be ok? in two weeks my niece will be 8 months old. I didn't realize until I held my niece for the first time that there was a life involved. my worries back then seem so pointless. my sister has turned out to be a wonderful mother! another thing that has drastically changed is my relationship with birdboy. I mentioned him in one of my first blogs. at the time at I had some major feelings for the guy. when he left for that semester I painted this picture in my head of this super hero. well, when he moved back and we started living together my perception totally changed. even though he still makes me smile any time im in contact with him and he knows just the right things to say to let me knows he cares (without being to gay) I just don't feel the same about him. now he is more like an extremely good friend. when I look back to when he left the first time I feel so juvenile about the way I handled it. my view on life has changed drastically in the last year. as you may or may not have gotten from my blogs I suffered a grueling 4 months of deep depression. if you have never been depressed its hard to grasp what its like. those cymbalta sommercials barely touch on the subject. I had basically locked myself in my apartment and never ever left. I went an entire week without ever leaving the couch. I never even admitted to myself that I was depressed until I started going to counseling. I have also overcome a big part of my anxiety disorder. therapy has helped me so much. in the last year I have also gotten a lot gayer, if that's even possible. Here's to the next year! may it be the best and most unforgetable of our lives!

why??

why do I do this? I always tell myself in the beginng to stop myself. quit that feeling I get in my gut. its out of my reach. nothing I can ever do will give me that satisfaction. no matter how many times I tell myself no I still push it closer and closer. why?

ohh the possibilities....

I travled to the town im moving to three days ago. I loved it the moment pulled in. its so different than where I am now. there are trees and squirels! the girl im moving with is super sweet, although she is extremely conservative. we toured the campus and searched endlessly for apartments. just when we were ready to give up we found the perfect one. it was right in our price range, close to campus, and it has a gorgeous balcony facing a wooded area! I plan to have a lot of potted plants and bird feeders. it really feels like things are falling into place! im actually doing this. I move in two months and I absolutly can't wait!

pipes and vibrators.

im not a big fan of censorship. I feel like cencorship is taking away our first amendment freedom. The reason im saying this is because this post is not gonna be cencored. this is your warning haha.

this whole new me started when they hired this new girl at work. we will call her girlfriend. the reason im calling her this is because I swear this bitch thinks I am her boyfriend! I have news for you hunny, I don't like what you have to offer. it all started as a simple invite to go hott tubing. I was extremely hesitant because im not in model shape and also because of my f-in anxiety disorder. she talked me into it and a few cups of wine later I had found my new favorite activity. I get to get drunk sitting with a bunch of half naked straight men. I have never met so many new people in my whole life. not to mention every time we drink girlfriend thinks its hott to make out! we always go to the bathroom together and every trip she shows me her mother fucking vag. she thinks its hilarious but the disgust is to much for me! don't get me wrong. she is a blast to hang out with but she is the type of person who you have to be drinking to hang out with. anyway, one drunken night in the hott tub she mentions that she wants to get her nose pierced. I have always wanted a piercing but im a chicken. the bitch talked me into piercing my tongue! ladies and gentleman my tongue is pierced! its the weirdest feeling in the whole world. its very very sore at the moment but im told in the end its worth it.

the tux shop is very good about taking care of us. since prom season is over the big boss gave us all bonuses! kaaaching! stonergirl and I went to blow a good chunk of it today. we went to book stores, Hastings, and even the local smoke shop where I purchased my second pipe. my first one, dr. phil, was cheap so it was time to upgrade! im not sure what to name it yet. any suggestions? after I blew 100 bucks in the smoke shop I jokingly said lets go buy vibrators now. stonergirl wasn't gonna take no for an answer on that one. we picked out a very discreet store where we knew they had them. I was expecting to walk in a black light room and see a bunch of middle aged fat men wearing sunglasses. I was wrong. there were two girls sittng at a front desk wearing next to nothing. when they asked if they could help us stonergirl pushed me out to the counter. keep in mind I just had my tongue pierced so this next statement came out a like a 7 year old boy with a studder. all I could say was toys. haha she took us into this room and open this closet door. I have never seen so many rubber dicks in my life! after glancing at the ipod charging vibrator, the pickle, and the hello kitty vibrator I say something interesting towards the back. it looked just like a butterfinger bar but it said "better than a finger" haha it was a perfect little tiny vibrator. I bought it and some lube. I have never done any experimenting with anal at all so im very nervous. I got it for two reasons. 1) when I do lose my v card I want my flower (yes my flower) to be prepared.2) im curious about what its like and I feel like as a gay man I should know. call it a right of passage if you will. anyway my new pipe is working for me pretty well which would explain this rambling post. I am obcessed with reading blogs so leave me a comment so I can read yours! ttyl!

i was nineteen.

i am extremly relaxed right now. Im sitting in my dark living room stoned with candles lit listening to tegan and sara. does it get much better than this? I dont think so. Does anybody remember the guy i met on the dating site? (I would put a link to the blog about him but I dont really know how to do that.) Anyway, we stopped talking around the time that I went on the horrible date with the 33 year old. That creeper kinda ruined me on guys for awhile so therefor I stopped talking to sexyeyes (that is what I have named the online guy.) Well since i have started going to therapy and dealing with a lot of my issues I decided that i missed sexyeyes. I sent him a myspace message apologizing for not talking to him and he accepted. He is extremly sweet and I feel a real connection with him. I really think he has boyfriend material. Thats not like me to say that. I usually freak out when it comes to being serious. Anyway, at the end of the summer it wouldnt be long distance because where I am moving is only like ten minutes away from where he lives. So far everything is starting to fall into place.

As the big move gets closer I have such mixed emotions. Part of me is sooo excited that I can't see straight. I feel like I will be truly on my own for the first time. Where i am now is only an hour away from home so I cant really be openly gay. Its not that I am scared people from my hometown will know, but because i want my grandparents to hear it from me first and nobody else. I just have to learn more about me before I am ready to tell them. Anyway, when i move i can be gay openly and everywhere. I swear sometimes I swear I hate Texas though. I do not understand how in the world I have lived here for the last 20 years (as if i had a choice). I am really random tonight. sooo yeah I am scared to move because I will be on my own and I have never lived that far from family all alone before. Time is something I cant grasp. I have been out of high school for two whole years now and I feel like an adult. Its weird for me. does everybody feel this way?

its been awhile...

therapy has taken the spot of blogging. i know, i know thats awful and i really should write more but everything that i usually want to get out gets out in therapy.

about two months ago i went to eat lunch with my wonderful grandmother when she asked if I was depressed. I told her that i had my good and bad days but there was nothing to worry about. she handed me this card with a dr's name on it, and right below that was a time and date. she had already made me the appointment. I was really hesitant at first. I am not one to openly admit my weaknesses in front of a complete stranger. the day of my first appointment i was terrified. I did not really know what to expect. I had only been to therapy once before in my life and that was family therapy (back when my mom was sober). Individual therapy is a lot different. I sit on this big brown leather couch and talk about me for an hour straight. Turns out that i have an anxiety disorder. I am really starting to enjoy the therapy however. It really has help me become more and more comfortable with myself. I still dont know how to feel about my parents but thats a whole nother post in itself. My therapist is a gorgeous lady in her mid 40s. My grandmother must not have known this (or did she?) but the DR actually wrote her thesis on homosexuality. She is an incredibly understanding person.

I have been working at a tuxedo shop for about two months now, and so far I still love it. The people i work with are amazing, but very odd at the same time. It seems the longer I work there the more secrets come out. Its very strange actually. I am just waiting on somebody to tell me that its all a joke. Anywhere from past mafia members, multiple abortions, to a sixteen year old girl asking me why she was attracted to women. its actually kind of entertaining.

at the end of the summer I will be moving! I can't wait to get out of this conservative little city. I feel like good things will come out of this. birdboy moved out three days ago and surprisingly I am taking it a lot better this time around. I pretty much told him before he left that he meant a lot to me and that if he ignored my txts or phone calls i would hate him forever. He has called twice since he left just to talk. as the semester went on it turned out that I didnt really have as many feelings for him as i thought. as a matter of fact he actually became a little annoying. I am pretty sure he has a problem with stealing things though because my ipod is missing. ass!

i am out of details right now but now that school is out I promise to write more. until next time.

close your eyes.

I havent blogged in awhile and I am terribly sorry for that (i like to think i was missed). I have been dying, quite literally actually. I have come down with some terrible awful viral infection. I really didnt think I was going to survive this thing. I have never been so sick in my life! I went to the doctor this last thursday and he had no clue what was wrong with me. They took a bunch of tests and we will know hopfully what has been going on tomorrow if the results get in. The good thing about getting sick is that there is no other way to go but up. Now that I am feeling better I am a lot more appreciative of life. I know that sounds awfully corny, but its true. When I was sick it was either the couch or the bathroom and the pain was awful. Now that I can leave the house and enjoy the day outside I realize that my life could be wayyyyy worse than I really think it is sometimes. It almost makes me feel untouchable, like I could jump off of my roof and fly.

How was everybodys valentines day? Mine was really good. I spent the day jumping from friends houses to friends houses. Birdboy asked if him and Megabitch (his gf) could have the house to themselves. I was really pissed off about the request but being the nice caring person I am I agreed. SO my vday was spent with the people I love the most. My bffs. Blondgirl and I went shopping and ate lunch together. Later in the day I went over to stonergirls house and we got incredibly stoned and played wii bowling, tennis, golf, and baseball for six hours straight. Then we busted out the rock band. I of course was lead vocals haha. I cant carry a tune to save my life but I am def a performer. We laughed and laughed until 5 am this morning.

I plan on finding a job tomorrow. I have been unemployeed since November 23rd and my grandparents are getting pretty pissed of at me. I am excited to have some money of my own and get to go out every once in a while. Not to mention getting a job will change my current lazy life. I love change. Anyway, I had some extra time today so I thought I would write a little something. Have a great week!

creeper.

I am watching a specail on TLC about the man who is pregnant. I honestly can say that sometimes I hate our society. This man is a man just like me. He may not be a man all the way yet, but in his mental state thats exactly what he is. People are so mean. Can we please just let americans live their lives the way they want? I mean is that not what our country is all about? It just really pisses me off.

Anyway, so last night I went on the date with the 33 year old last night. I was very hesistant about his because of how creepy he was the night before. From the moment he picked me up till the moment he dropped me off i was creeped out. The man went on and on about his dogs who he kept constantly refering to as his "kids" and he kept petting me. You know, rubbing my leg, my arm, the back of my head. The whole situation just creeped me out. When he dropped me off I just told him there was no spark, which is the nice way of saying, "dude, you creep me the fuck out." So I think that I have a new rule, no more dating older men i met on myspace. For some reason, i regret the whole situation. Something good has came out of the situation however. I have realized that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I have always been taught that you have to learn to be alone before you can learn to be with somebody else. That is exactly what I am doing. I am learning who i am and who i want to be. Learning to love myself, one day at a time.

until next time.

poker face.

i have a confession. I go to myspace and stalk all the gay people in the city i live in. I just want to see whats out there. Anyway, I was doing this when i came upon this guys page. He was nice looking, seemed to be a nice guy, and I was attracted to him. I awkwardly sent him a message telling him i ran upon his page and thought he was cute. He immediatly sent me a message back saying that he thought the same about me. We exchanged numbers and texted for a couple of days. He asked me to a movie with him and I of course said yes. Anyway, I got birdboy out of the house for the night and told him he could come over a little before the movie so we could visit. I was so nervous so I decided to treat myself to a few glasses of wine before he got here. We talked for about an hour and I was already wasted. We started making out and ended up hooking up and completly missed the movie. haha anyway in the heat of the moment he says, "will you be my boyfriend?" and "move in with me" and " it would be amazing to wake up to you ever morning"

HOLD UP. BRAKES.

i calmy explained to him that he was moving at the speed of light and i had only really known him for a couple of hours (i know we hooked up.). He apologized. Did I mention he is 33? I think i forgot to mention that. Anyway, the night ended with me sending a blank text (code for get me the fuck out of here) to slutgirl and her calling me and telling me she has just been in a wreck (lie) and I went to a party with her and got trashedwastedface. We are going to see the movie tonight. I am going to tell him to slow the fuck down. I shouldnt probably even be doing this but its fun to be wanted. 33? he looks young for his age. what does age have to do with anything anyway. I promise i dont have some wierd old man fetish. I cringed at even typing that. I guess we will just have to see what happens.

until next time.

whats the matter mary jane?

i absolutly love my government class. the professor is completly crazy. I never know whats gonna come out of the mans mouth. Anyway, today we talked about the legalization of marijuana. I would like to rant on what we leared today.

I would like to start off by saying that at one point and time I was anti-weed. I was never gonna try it. Well, thanks to dizzy i tried it and LOVED ITTT! I am now an official pot head lol. I own my own pipe and birdboy keeps us supplied with the weed. I have never been happier. Sometimes when we are stoned I think to myself, damn these are the moments that I will remember forever. Not to mention i am a way better student stoned. I can sit down and write a three page paper in no time with the help of mary jane. ok but back to what i learned in government.

40,000 people die every year from tobacco.
30,000 people die every year from second hand smoke
more that 50,000 people die every year due to alcohol.
30 people die a year due to toilets!
less than 5 people die a year because of weed.

you heard me right. you are more likely to either get out of the shower, fall and hit you head on the toilet or pass out drunk and drown in toilet water than you are to die from weed. and get this. there are some alcohols out there that if you took a shot a minute you would be dead in 15 minutes. you would literally have to smoke a ton of weed to die. We also learned that in the state of Texas a prison hold 96 prisoners out of 100 beds. Everytime we send somebody to jail for selling or possesing weed then they have to let somebody out to have a bed open. 95% percent of the time its a violent crime offender or sex offender. They would rather let somebody who is dangerous to the public out of jail to put somebody who honestly, did nothing wrong. I agree that weed is/could be a gateway drug but its all about knowing your limits. There are somethings out there I would like to try, and may someday buttttttttt I know my limits and I know when to stop. also, just think if they did legalize it they could tax it. maybe that would give us some more money for the 10.6 trillion dollars we arein debt.

just a little something for you to think about. =]

prayers for bobby.

i want to come out. i want to come out soon. i am terrified though. literally scared to the point that every time i think about doing it tears fall from my eyes. i love my family to death, more than anything in the whole world. I have a very fucked up family. As you may know I was raised by my grandparents because my parents were very ill equipted, and when i say that i mean that they were addicts. My mom and my grandmother havent really spoken in years. The point of that statement is that my grandparents were there for me when my parents werent. They took me in and gave me stability, love, hope, and made me believe that i was possible of doing anything. i dont want to dissapoint them. My biggest fear is that they will be so dissapointed that they wont speak to me. I dont want to lose my family.

My grandmother told me the other day, "There is nothing I hate more in this world than when somebody can look me in the eye and lie to me." That is exactly what I am doing. I am looking her straight (no pun intended) in the eye and telling her that I am interested in woman when she asks about my love life. I am deceiving her. Not only her but the rest of my family and my friends. What should i do? Should i just sit her down and be like "I'm queer and I'm here so get over it.?" How do i even handle this situation? I want to be me. I want to live my life the way i am happiest, gay. I have been having dreams that i am having sex in front of my family members. In one of my dreams my sister told me, "your gay and thats what i love most about you" weird huh? I love my family and I want them to enjoy my happiness with me but how can I if i am so scared? oh my gosh what do i do? I cant live my life like this anymore. help

the blonder the better.

i am sitting here drunk right now. drunk and alone haha im an alcoholic apparently. anyway, i got drunk for a reason. a couple of weeks ago i dared into the online dating experience. i was nervous at first, but i knew that if it worked for some people it could work for me. i have exchanged lots of emails and chats but none really stood out for me. for the most part these guys were looking for a quick screw. like i have said before, thats not what i am looking for right now. anyway did meet a guy who seemed generally nice. I havent decided what to call him yet, but it turns out that we have a lot in common. I gave him my number and we have been texting a lot these last couple of days. about six today he told me he wanted to call me tonight. i freaked out, i have just a touch of anxiety disorder when it comes to meeting new people, much less a complete stranger from the internet that could possibly be the next mr. justaguy. wait, thats a lie i want my partners last name. haha anyway, he calls and we talk for a good twenty minutes. he is about to call me back and im actually really excited. i dont know why but he seems like a good match for me. but dont get your hopes up, dear reader. I will probably blog in about a week and say some bullshit like oh it just didnt work out. you should know the drill by now.

i had a guy tell me earlier this week that homosexuality was a mental disorder. he didnt know im gay. that was like a fucking knife going through my heart? who the fuck does he think he is. he is mentally ill for thinking that.

until next time.

love is free.

i havent blogged in a while. dont know why really, i would have all of this stuff i would think of and then as soon as i sat down it would all be gone. poof blank head. haha how weird is it to have a new president. we have had the same prez since i was 11 years old! I am soo excited for obama will do for our country. I believe what he has to say and maybe just maybe make gay marraige legal!

i suppose some of you (if there are any readers out there) are wondering what its like to live with the imfamous birdboy. first of all, let me just tell you that when he got here i realized something. i was not as in love with him as i thought i was. i guess bc he has been gone so long and i hadnt seen him i built him up to be something a lot bigger than he really was. it was a big relief. living with him is really easy. he is hardly ever home and when he is we just sit on the couch and get stoned and watch brad pitt (birdboys self claimed husband) movies. he looks at porn on my laptop. did i mention that? he has some weird taste sexually. first off there was girls in it. thats not normal haha i met somebody on the post secret blog that had the same situation i did and we talked about it for a while through txts. we decided the best thing to do is prepare for the worst but expect the best. that thought really has helped a lot.

school started for me today and i already wanna cry. i am taking algebra for the 5th time and i think i may scream. math is just not my subject nor will it ever be. and why do i need math for my career? a news anchor (thats what i want to be fyi) will never need math. ever. i have been having weird sex dreams about stonergirls roommate. he isnt that bad looking but he is almost 30 and probably disease infested. lol

as far as the whole "no sex until a relationship" thing. the oppurtunity hasnt really arised for me latly so therefor, i havent got to turn anybody down.

until next time.

we've got the vision, now lets have some fun.

I decided that you guys need some background info, and im bored so here it goes.

I was born on April 23, 1989 in the same town i was raised in. I call that place my hometown. The person that matters most to me in this whole world still lives there after 52 years. My grandmother took me in when my mother and father didnt want me. I love her more than anyone would ever know. My sister however, was lucky (well i say lucky) enough to be raised by our mother. My sister just had a beautiful baby girl a month ago at the age of 17. My friends mean everything to me. All of my friends are family just not by blood.

Fabgirl aka Dizzy- I met dizzy at work and my life was instantly changed. It all started with an innocent invite to go ballroom dancing. A friendship quickly grew and she made me comfortable with who i am--gay. She was my ultimate party girl. Miss you dizzy!

Countrygirl- I also met her at work. She is very conservative in her actions but open minded in her beliefs. She is very clingy, but at times can be a very fun person.

Stonergirl- She is another Dizzy only way cooler. haha jk dizzy. i love this chick so much. she is amazing and no matter what i say she has no judgement at all. we have similar childhoods so its easy to relate when i have family problems.

Blondie- She is one of the only people i still talk to from high school. this chick is fucking stupid haha she has her moments. i love her dearly but i dont see us being friends forever. we will go our own way haha

Birdboy- He is the best guy friend i have ever had. Despite what dizzy says, his sexuality is questionable. Before i continue lets leave all judgements at the door mk? I love him. Thats hard for me to say but i think its true. I am gonna spare the sappy details. He asked me to move in with him and i agreed. He moves in tomorrow, and I am scared to death. I dont know whats going to happen but i think i will be happy to just be in his presence.

Jay- he is the only gay man in this world i trust. Gay guys are very coniving and manipulative. Its very hard to trust them. Jay and I pretty much grew up together so i know i can trust him. He is like my gay godfather if you will. If i have a question about something i am not quite sure of he is always there with an answer.

I dont understand a single thing in my life, but thats ok because one day it will all makes sense.