i was nineteen.

i am extremly relaxed right now. Im sitting in my dark living room stoned with candles lit listening to tegan and sara. does it get much better than this? I dont think so. Does anybody remember the guy i met on the dating site? (I would put a link to the blog about him but I dont really know how to do that.) Anyway, we stopped talking around the time that I went on the horrible date with the 33 year old. That creeper kinda ruined me on guys for awhile so therefor I stopped talking to sexyeyes (that is what I have named the online guy.) Well since i have started going to therapy and dealing with a lot of my issues I decided that i missed sexyeyes. I sent him a myspace message apologizing for not talking to him and he accepted. He is extremly sweet and I feel a real connection with him. I really think he has boyfriend material. Thats not like me to say that. I usually freak out when it comes to being serious. Anyway, at the end of the summer it wouldnt be long distance because where I am moving is only like ten minutes away from where he lives. So far everything is starting to fall into place.

As the big move gets closer I have such mixed emotions. Part of me is sooo excited that I can't see straight. I feel like I will be truly on my own for the first time. Where i am now is only an hour away from home so I cant really be openly gay. Its not that I am scared people from my hometown will know, but because i want my grandparents to hear it from me first and nobody else. I just have to learn more about me before I am ready to tell them. Anyway, when i move i can be gay openly and everywhere. I swear sometimes I swear I hate Texas though. I do not understand how in the world I have lived here for the last 20 years (as if i had a choice). I am really random tonight. sooo yeah I am scared to move because I will be on my own and I have never lived that far from family all alone before. Time is something I cant grasp. I have been out of high school for two whole years now and I feel like an adult. Its weird for me. does everybody feel this way?