if it makes you happy, well then it cant be that bad.

i have come to a conclusion.

If you would have looked back into my life a year ago i was not comfortable with who i was at all. I thought that me being gay was just a stage and that it would go away one day and i would marry a girl and have tons of kids. Although, in the last year my mindset (thanks to a lot of great friends including but not limited to stonergirl and dizzy) has done a complete 360. i realize now that I AM GAY. I also realize that i am in no way at all attracted to girls and having a wife is in no way possible. i also used to think that i would never tell my family in a million years. this christmas i wanted to so badly. i am tired of hiding myself, but i couldnt get up the nerve to let them know. they are the most conservative people you will ever meet. i mean i was cut off for like 3 weeks because they found out i voted democratic. haha seriously. there have been many chapters in my gay life.

Chapter One: First Encounter
when i was in the seventh grade i was having a sleepover with all of the "cool guys" in my class. i always have been bffs with all girls. At the time i lived with my mom and this worried her so she decided i needed some male contact. if only she knew thats exactly what i got lol. it was a game of truth and dare. i ended up losing my oral vcard that night.

Chapter Two: Constant Hook-ups.
this chapter has been the last four years of my life. i knew in high school that a relationship was impossible so my gay life was nothing but bootycalls from drunkyn football players whose gfs wouldnt put out.

I have decided that im starting chapter 3. im done with sex until i am in a relationship. thats what i want more than anything at this moment. unfortunalty this little city is full of guys that are looking to get off and most of them are really selfish lovers anyway. im done with them. DONE.

PS the guy i met the other night at the club just wants to get off. man oh man. will he ever come?

eh.

i met a boy. =]

last night my favorite lesbian, meggy, came into town and dragged stonergirl and I out to the drag queen show. we got super stoned before we went so it was def a trip. we met some friends of meggy's up there. Lust and Love is what we will call them. When we first got there meggy would not stop giving me these gross skanky lap dances. gross me out. stonergirl and lust were just chatting away when i realized it wasnt megan rubing her ass all over me. it was lust. he gave some good lap dances! anyway, we sat on the steps to watch the drag show. unfortunatly, love was left standing. him and stonergirl were whispering and i thought i saw stonergirl point to me but i wasnt for sure. i hadnt spoke to love at all that night besides our introduction. i was distracted by a fabulous queen when i felt somebody spread my legs and sit on the step below between my legs. i look down and its love. he kept staring at me randomly throughout the night. he even dance behind me. we sat down and talked about where we were from, being in and out of the closet, and random stuff like that. towards the end of the night he kinda quit paying attention to me. stonergirl says they werent talking bout me. i felt a connection with this guy. i cant explain it but i could. when we left i went to give him a hug and he whispered something that sounded like number. i couldnt be sure so i just nodded my head and walked off. i got his number from meggy. im to scared to text him. what if he doesnt like me and was just drunk? i am so awful at this. could somebody please give me lessons?

holy fuck fuck fuck.

ok so i did it. i fucked up. im drunk off my ass right now. birdboy and i have been texting all night long. anyway, i am drunk, like i said. i asked him to tell me a secret and he told me that him and his gf have been done for the last two months. i was pissed. ok so i realize that i am totally and completly in love with him and as far as i know ( i, among my friends still have our doubts) he is straight. what im ranting about is that i dont fucking get it. he is my roommate and at one time we were best friends. why in the fuck did this mother fucker wait two months to tell me???? anyway in my drukyn rage i texted him this.

your like the best guy friend i have ever had. i was abused by a man and have been scared of men every since. sometimes i think that when it comes to personal stuff you keep me out and i dont get it? why?

no fucking responce. i did it this time huh. i put my foot in my mouth and said something i shouldnt have. he hasnt responded and im freaking the mother fucking fuck out. ahhhhhhhh. ok i need to calm down and just go to sleep i guess. holy fuck what the fuck did i do?

ps dizzy is a great teacher. i played pool with a complete group of stangers and kicked their ass!

walking in a winter wonderland.

I love my grandmother very much. She has a specail place with me. She raised me and I owe everything i am to her. She has seen all of the fucked up things my mom and dad and aunts have done so she automatically assumes that i am following in the same path. She worries about me so much when, honestly i am a pretty good. Well, most of the time haha anyway, i have a funny story. i think its funny at least.

Grandmother: What are you doing?

Me: Watching some old christmas movie. kinda depressing

Grandmother: Why is it so depressing? It is christmas, its supposed to be happy.

Me: Well, growing up I always thought that all adults got to meet santa so i just automatically assumed that when i turned 18 we would miracuosly meet up and like hang out or something.

Grandmoter: Well, there is a good reason yall didnt meet. He isn't real.

Me: What???? SANTA ISNT REAL! ARE YOU BEING SERIOUSSS?

Grandmother: Oh my Lord in Heaven (yes she really says that) Are you drinking? Your drunk right now arent you.

Me: Goodbye Grandmother.

lol i thought it was pretty funny.

kinda like the time my cousin told my aunt that she was the coolest mom in the whole world because she had the same pjs as the toothfairy. haha

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

thats not my name.

i have been reading some of my recent posts and damnnnnn i have been a debbie downer. trust me, thats not me. i am a bad ass mother fucker. i am a blast to be around. i just wanted to let all of yall know that.



i had a random memory yesterday. i was thinking about this time when me and dizzy both worked at that shit hole. she had this book called post secrets. i read the shit out of that book and it was uhhmazing. i became a fan on facebook of the book and there was this post where you could put your number and people randomly text you their secrets. i posted my number and damn you guys. there are some fucked up people out there. haha i love it. secrets fasinate me.



school is over thank god! damn this was a shitty semester. i am looking forward to the next one though. i have decided im gonna make it amazing and i am gonna rock it. Mr. Amazing and I have really hit it off. he is cool. he is out of town for the break though. i wonder if things will change when birdboy comes home?



ohemgee. i havent told yall about this. i am an uncle. my sister had her baby. she is adorable and stole my heart the moment i saw her. the only girl that will ever have my heart. =]



anyway, i was just bored and wanted to update this thing.



until next tim

wow.

dear readers,

do you guys remember the childhood friend of mine (jay) i had a crush on? well he hooked me up with a guy that we will call Mr. Amazing, and that is exactly what he is. he isnt that cute but he will do. i know that sounds awful i dont really know any other way to put it.

Jay "im gonna tell him you want him to go home with you."

Me "i will kill you and you will die."

Jay "haha ok ok"

30 minutes later and 2 glasses of wine....

Me " ok, so do you wanna come home with me?"

Mr. Amazing " sure"

am i slut? i hooked up with a guy on the first date and not only that but i just met him! anyway, i like him. i can smell him. he told me that i was hott and the best "sex" of his life. he said can we do that everyday? haha anyway, we decided to be sex buds and thats it. i think i want more. is it possible to make him decide he wants a relationship. yes, yes. i think i can.

untill next time.

you can pay for school but you cant buy class.

i have been thinking a lot latly. my life has been in such a slump i have no clue what to do with myself. i feel depressed all of the time. which is awful for me. i hate not being happy and feeling weak. i wish i could be this strong person. if you didnt already know my childhood sucked. anywho my mom is way bipolar. like to the extreme. when i was younger we went through a lot (my mom, my sis, and i). when something went wrong i had to be strong for them. it was like i was raising them both, complete role reversal. i would always push the bad to the back and smile and make jokes. unfortunatly, now everything is surfacing and coming at me at once. i am drowning. it all started when i had to drop two of my classes because i was failing and then i got home to realize my puppy had died. it was like everything hit me like a ton of bricks. all i could do was lay in my bed and look at the ceiling. i didnt leave my bed for like twelve hours. the sad thing is that its all in the back of my head now and im smiling and making jokes. i really dont know what to do.

i have been consumed latly in the twilight saga. every waking moment i have my nose is buried in one of those books. i saw the movie tonight and was dissapointed. nothing compared to the book. i think i want to change my career goal. i want to be a writer. i have these stories i play out in my head. every situation has a story. i am more of a free spirit and writing fits.

did i mention i have a little bit of a crush on my childhood friend. there is a twist though. he is actually 100% gay! i know. not my type haha. we are txt buddies and never really hang out. i mean we used to work together for my uncle. thats when we spent 12 hours a day together. he was the first gay person i had ever been around and i totally looked up to him. it was our little secret. anyway, we already discussed the possibilities and friendship is better. he wants me to come to his house tomorrow and watch the game with him and his buddies. says theere will be plenty men for me to choose from. i may be to shy for that though. we will see.

until next time.

ps in exactly one week i will be a uncle!

wtf man wtf

ok. so latly i have hated my life. i decided i needed a change so i gave my two weeks notice at work. i have no clue what im going to do now. that was a total rash decision. Another rash decision. Last night i had nothing to do, yet all of my friends had plans. I knew this girl that lives 3 hours away that slutgirl (the one who introduced me to bay) and i met through my old roommate. she was having a "huge" bday party so we decided to roadtrip. We bought a box of wine to drink on the way. i was driving and got pretty drunk. half way there we hit a deer. scared me half to death and busted my head light. wtf. anywho more the reason to drink some more. 45 minutes later we are getting pulled over by a state trooper. FUCK. luckly, we had just drank the last of the wine and threw it out. the first thing the man says when he walks up to my truck is " who has been drinking?" we deny it off our asses and asks me to step out of the truck. i voluntarily took a breath test. keep in mind that for the last three hours i have been drinking wine. i fucking blew 0000000 on that the test! how the fuck did that happen! then he searches my truck. 3 fucking stolen road signs. luckily, i got a warning he let me go. i am the fucking luckiest man in the whole world. the breathalizer had to have been broken.

birdboy came into town this weekend. he didnt tell me. i saw a pic on his gfs facebook. i asked him and he deny the whole things. the only theory i have is that he is so much in love with me that he didnt want me and his gf in the same room. let me know your theory. keep in mind we are living together and i just moved into our apartment. why wouldnt he want to come see his apartment? weird. i know. soo please, let me know your fucking theory. haha so anyway when we got to the so called party. there was no party. 3 fucking hours, one dead deer, one busted headlight, and a almost arrested gay man. no party. story of my life.

until next time.

How do mermaids use the bathroom?

Sooo that thing with that girl and me. Over with. totally just a fling. i like penis a lot so yeah it would never have worked. I dont want a "I told you sooo" from you dizzy i know. Everybody in my life has gotten sick but me. Am i the luckiest person in the world or what? I got approved for mine and birdboys apartment today. I move in next weekend! He wont be here until late december so that gives me about two months to get the place ready for him! School + work is super stressful. I dont know how most people go all four years like this! I am making it though. This weekend I am going to see my sis. This will be the last time i see her without a baby on her hip! Wow, my sis has a family before me. anywho, i stayed up till 5am last night writing a psych paper so im gonna take a nap. I dedicate this song to birdboy. enjoy.

Obama 08!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWbLkXhGEmo

here comes the bride...

im all dark and twisty inside. just like meredith. last friday i got a call from my aunt saying that i needed to call my mother immediatly. i freaked ( thinking something was wrong with my unborn niece) and told my aunt that she needed to tell me whats wrong right then. In a sad way i knew that if something was wrong then i would rather hear it from her than my own mother. she explained to me that my mom and her 24 year old boyfriend just got their marriage liscence and the the wedding was this monday. i was crushed. i prepared myself to call my mom trying to decide if i wanted to act happy for her or tell her how ignorant she really is. before i could call her she txts me and tells me. in a fucking text. damn i was sooo pissed. anyway, a box of wine later and im over it. birdboy asked me to move in with him and i agreed. i am NOT in love with him. i may have been at one time but that was months ago and i finally see him for the good friend that he is. plus he likes vag. another sad thing is that most of my family have been a huge part in my life, but for some reason i resent them. if it wasnt for them i could be gay and move to canada and not have to go to school. i think im dropping out. im seriously thinking about it. i have to go to work ill elaborate later.

i heart lesbians!

last night I went to stoner girls house and met one of her ear friends from high school. meggy is what we will call her. I was super droned (drunk and stoned) when all of the men leave the room. meggy turns to me and confesses that she is a lezbian. I love her! she freaking is amazing. anyway, she is married but currently has the sweetest gf ever. lol we laughed and laughed. she wants me to go gay clubbin tonight but I am going camping with my graduating class. anyway im gonna get some hott football player ass!

its our decision to live fast and die young.

i feel for a girl. one with a vag in case you were wondering. baybay is her name. well not really but now. i am supper stoned by the way. so anyway, i meet her think she would be good to use to take home so my family doesnt worry. next thing i know i am thinking about her a lot and when we txt i smile everytime (i mean everytime) i receive a new message from her. puppy love. i feel hardcore. i asked her to be my girlfriend and she agrees. happiest 24 hours of my life. next night i went out with country girl. we all now how i like to get trashed and dance untill i cant dance anymore. i get a text that says, "im not ready" bitch broke my heart. a girl! i was finally comfortable with who i was and this chick comes around and makes me second guess. she isnt ready? ugh. next day we talk and decide that we shouldnt be bf and gf so soon. we both admitted that we were crazy for each other. as of now we are still dating...or seeing each other as she put it. everytime i see her she tells me how crazy she is about me. at work she spends my shift with me. i really wanna liek her and experience a relationship first hand but honestly i cant be hurt. heartache is awful and i would rather die than go through that. seriously. it fucking sucks. i dont any part of it at all. anyway, what do i do? do i let myself experience the magical thing they call love or do i just play it safe. is it really worth it? ohh my goodness? why am i so late finding this stuff out? this is third grade for most kids.

another story, my dad keeps talking ot my sister and not me. i mean not word to me for a year but every night to her. why? her REAL dad is meeting her for the first time 2morrow. i want to tell my dad so bad so he will be hurt. i would love it. birdboy is moving back. im excited but i realize things will never be the same. seriously. everybody keeps tell me he shares the feelings it was obvious and when he gets back we will eventually be together ( says stonergirl) i dont know. i know that after i have met somebody i will never be able to be alone again. which really sucks. i liked being alone. has anybody read twighlight? awesome. ok now im being random. i am so confused.

ugh school and work together suck. i really need to go sleep.

untill next time.

to be or not to be

its 6 am and i cant sleep. just when i was a little bit comfortable with who i am. (gay) a girl comes along. it all started out as a blind date. it was slutgirl who decided we would be a perfect match. i only agreed bc slut doesnt know i am gay and i thought it couldnt hurt. well, i was expecting a fat girl who wasnt that pretty. when i walked in the room i was blown away. she was gorgeous. we spent the whole night talking about each other. likes and dislikes. i am more confused than ever.

help

im not unfaithful but ill stray.

i dont even know where to start with this one. seriously.

ok so anyway, i got a tattoo! on my ass. its a peace sign and i love it. me and one of my good friends. i like to call her slutgirl got matching tats. i have always wanted one but i have always been way to scared. before we went i was soo scared. i was shaking. anyway we ended up being there for four hours. i met some really interesting people. my tattoo artist told me his life story. i love it when people tell me there life stories. i have a disease where people just spill their hearts out to me. he is very dom in bed. he likes to beat girls. i was a little freaked when he told me that. there was also this couple there. they were both getting tats. the wifes was on her lower back. three stars. she screamed when they were doin it. scared me half to death. the husband got them on the back of his arms. there 2 year old son was there. he just ran around like crazy and everything you said to him he would just respond with a simple 2. it was great. anyway, let me just tell you that tats hurt like hell. although, when your done its an amazing rush. i would do it again in a heart beat. its something everybody has to do at least once in their life.

the second thing i would like to talk about is the time i did coke in the office of a tanning salon with a model. haha ok so designerboy is quiting work because he just got signed with a agent and is moving. i worked with him the other day and asked him if he had smoked any mj latly and he said no he had been to coked out latly. i was shocked. he saw the look on my face and said you have never done it?? i explained him that im terrified to try anything but mj. long story short. he peer pressured me into trying it. we went back into the office and i tried a little bit. it didnt even take effect on me. just so you know this is nothing like me. i absolutly am not that person. not even a little bit. i just think its funny that i tried coke with a model at work. remember that is not me.

what have i become. a coke doing tattoo getting person???? lol


so i met this guy. we will call him scratchguy. i met him through a friend of a friend. something was fishy about this guy. we hung out once and decided that we werent couple material (thank god. ugly as fuck) we decided to be really good friends. well anyway, two nights ago we were at the mutual friends house when he starts sendin me all of these dirty texts. keep in mind he is sittin right next to me. ewww. i put him in his place. a lot about this guy didnt make sense. we (the friend and i) caught him in tons of lies. anyway, this morning he called and said im moving bye. we are pretty sure he was running from the law. he was in town 3 weeks. weird huh.

in other news. we find out what my sis is having tomorrow. im super excited. umm countrygirl and i are def besties but she is clingy. and tonight im smokin some mj with stonergirl and i am super excited!! yayy!

until next time.

My night in a nutshell

Ohhh em gee. Ok so i needed to go out so badly. going out is my drug. i love to get a good buzz and go dance. i dont know why but i love it so much. well, i talked asain girl into going out with me tonight to the local gay club. asaingirl and i arent close at all so i thought it might be awkward. it totally wasnt. we went to a prepart at designerboys house. a blast. there were gay people everywhere which i loved. anyway we drank a lot. i mean ALOT. lol it was a blast. i normally hate designerboy. i mean he pretty much stole my man. anyway, when im drunk he is wayyy more fun. so asain girl had 2 smirnoffs and a shot of vodka. we go to the club and dance the fucking night away. i mean we danced like no other. ran into old friends and had a blast! asain girl told me she was hot so we went outside to sit on the balcony. im sitting there having a blast just chillen. im talking to my new bestfriend (dont remember her name) and then BOOM! asain girl is on the floor. i mean passed the fuck out. gone. out cold. she was dead weight. she passed out hard core. picture it. drag queens screaming "ohhh girl you had to much" lol i call designerboy over and he is like lets get her out of here. about that time the staff comes over and is like you need to get her out of here.

Me "well, duh"
Staff "how did she get so drunk she is a minor"
Me " uhhh pre party duhhh"
Staff " yall need to leave. get out of here now"

lol i cant believe i said that. vodka is soo much fun. lol anyway, she cant walk so i throw that tiny asain over my shoulder and carried her outside. when we got outside i ask her if she can stand up and she says yeah. i sit her down and she falls on the pavement. the whole balcony can see us and is like oohhhhhhh! about this time i get pissed and throw the bitch over my shoulder agian and the whole balcony i mean like fifty people are screaming yayyyyy! you go boy! lol i carry to the truck and drive her home. her dad is strict so i put her on the doorstep and ring the doorbell. what was i supposed to do? dizzy i hope your lovin this! lol hahahaha i cant believe that happened! what a night. never let a tiny asain take shots of vodka. seriously. anywhoooo im gonna go watch colin farrells sex tape.

unitl next time.

lets just leave and not tell a soul goodbye.

i did it. i had sex with downgrade. well, let me stick up for myself. it totally wasnt sober sex. it wasnt even sex at all really. just plain ol everything but. when i woke up this morning i was like wtf. i didnt stay the night, i knew i couldnt wake up like that. for some reason that i dont know i regreted it. i mean, it wasnt bad sex at all. and he isnt that bad looking. well kinda. before i left i told him that i didnt want him telling anybody until i could tell countrygirl ( we have gotten really close) he agreed and told me that he would txt me tommorrow. on my way home i got a text and it said " lets not tell anybody about this until we know its what we want." then i was really like wtf? what we want?? i am def not good with relationships. i am the worlds worst. i just agreed and decided what i needed was sleep. i am kinda scared i mean do i have a fuck buddy now?

last thursday, countrygirl and i went to the local country club. i was dancing the night away, which is what i do best, when i felt somebody tap me on the shoulder. i looked up and was speechless. it was my first cousin on my dads side. you should know my father has abandoned me more than once in my life. it was so awkward. what am i supposed to say. we said hello and did a fifteen second catch up session and went our own way. three hours later and like 5 shots of vodka later we went to whataburger. guess who was there. yep unknowncousin himself. in my drunkeness i asked him where my dad was. i found out that my dad has lived in the same town as me for the last three months. not a phone call nothing. i gave him my number and told him to tell my dad to call me. i dont like my dad but i would still like to have one. my dad never called. it sucks because when i thought about it. my own father doesnt want to talk to me. what an ass.

my life in general right now is the fact that i am trapt. at least thats what i feel. i miss birdboy. the memories are less and less. but they are still there. my sister decided not to have the test done. she said that she didnt care what happened she wanted to keep him/her. i am so excited. vacation is comin up. yay for me. anyway, i love wine. its the best.

until next time.

life is now or never

i have the most emotional man alive latly. call it a man period if you wish. i dont even know where to start on this one. i hate what im about to write. i hate not being happy. i guess we will start off with family drama. i talked to my mom this week, for the first time since april. of course she tried to make me feel bad about how my life was better than hers. sucks i know. maybe if she laid off the men and meth she would have what i have. anyway, we still dont know if my sisters baby has downsyndrom, but mom said if it did there was a good chance she wouldnt keep it. she told me this as i was telling her about 30 dollar pair of shoes i just bought my future niece/nephew. we find out tomorrow what sissy is having. i personally cant wait.

latly, i have been hating my life. which really i hate my job. bitch, bitch, bitch. thats all i ever hear. hey you did this wrong. oh and this. and did i mention this. pretty much you never do anything right. i dont wanna get a new job because i dont want to have to start over new somewhere else. however, i do want to start completly over. change my name, my life, my hair color. be somebody else thats completly different. the song is "boston" by augustana. i love that song. i hate this feeling though. the feeling of unsatisfaction. i am lonely. i want somebody to go home to. somebody to love me. again, realize i hate writing stuff like this. i hate showing emotions.

today at work i was bored. i spent 6 hours on this website reading about other peoples lives. creating what they looked like in my head. their likes and dislikes. its was like my own little world. then a customer would come in and i would be forced to come back to the real world. shit. i need to cheer up. i hate unhappiness. its pathetic. and also, i need to get laid. i am so sick of temporaryness. (however you may spell that) ugh whatever moving on.

country girl and i getting closer. weird i know. gossipgirl is pissed. i stole her bestie. thats what you get bitch. anyway, birdboy has dissapeared completly. i saw on his facebook that he was in a relationship. good for him. just to let him know. once a cheater always a cheater. and oh have you heard. lindsay lohan is gay. we could get married and have an open relationship. awesome! anyway, i took a sleeping pill and i need my beauty sleep. im getting really drunk and dancing my ass of tomorow night.

until next time.

Time changes Everything.

birdboy left for good. he didn't even stop to say goodbye. all i got is a text that said "hey, im gonna miss you. stay in touch." what the fuck? 6 months of friendship and i get a stay in touch. maybe i am just making this a big deal because i had feelings for him. anyway, that was one of the hardest days of my life. everything around me reminded me of him. everything. im so serious. everybody tells me that time heal all wounds. i believe that because everyday gets easier and eaiser. he has been gone three days. at least once a day every memory that we shared come flushing back to me as if it were happening. soon enough it will be once a week and then once a month. the sad part is that eventually they will be gone. anyway, i would like to change the subject before it hits me. ps. my feelings are still there.

so in the last blog i told yall about downgrade. thursday night we did go out and he was there. i did get drunk and the thought of the nights action crossed my mind. then suddenly some techno song plays. who would have guessed it was mine and birdboys song. wtf? i had to stop dancing. for some reason i felt like i was hurting birdboy by hanging out with this other guy. my friends and i went and sat down so i could get over all the memories flushing through and i realized that a rebound wasn't gonna help my feelings. and not to mention that downgrades are unnacceptable. this guy was a hobbit, a downgraded hobbit.

the next night i went to a friend from works house. her name is countrygirl. countrygirl, i recently discovered is really cool. anyway, we all started drinking this good ass whine. it was awesome. i drank a lot. yes, downgrade was there. i got really drunk and countrygirl and i went walking to her vehicle for something and in my drunkness and a birdboy flashback i confessed everything to her. i told her i was gay. it was a really big deal at the time. she is a southern babtist and i thought that she would flip. she hugged me and told me she loved me. thank you lord. later on the night as the whine kept pouring i decided to announce to the whole room that i was gay. what the hell am i thinking? 3 months ago i was scared to death thinking that nobody could know my secret. well, i would tell a gorgeous jew, but nobody else. i found myself thinking that at what point did i decide--hey im gay and i want the world to know. i dont know. i really dont. it just came out like word vomit. of course the girl who couldnt keep anything to herself (gossipgirl) was there. that was friday. its sunday and the world knows. damn. im scared. i have no parents--only grandparents. what will they think if they were to find out? the can never know ever. anyway, downgrade made the moves on me and i told him that he was just a rebound thought and i wasnt interested. mean i know but i was drunk and didnt know what else to think. anywho later that night i called birdboy and told him that he needed to call me back so i could tell him something. of course i was drunk and tell him everything. he never called back. i texted him the next day and asked what he was doing. he still hasnt replied. i went home that night and threw my guts up. what will come out of this situation?

ok, so now im pretty much out to everyone at work. my friend asiangirl (who recently found out her bf was a homosexual) decided that she wanted to get out. so me, our friend stonergirl, and asaingirl invited our other gay friend, designerboy, over. designerboy brought another gay friend over so i could work on my gay social networking. this guy was creepy. anyway, we all drank and got stoned, watched porn and went out. creepy guy gave me weird looks all night. he wanted me. let me just tell you that we had a blast. we all danced the night away and got really drunk. i didnt puke that night.

today at work the craziest thing happened. i work at some kind of salon. a regular customer came in and asked me a personal question. he was mistaking me for designer boy. i clarified i wasnt that guy. the customer awkwardguy, got a smile on his face and asked me if i wanted to hang out sometime. i said yes and we exchanged numbers. we have been txting for the last 5 hours straight. of course this is an accomplishment for me so i decided to let designer boy in on the gig. he seemed excited about the situation. his mom knew him and he said that she said he was a good guy. this guy is really cool. he goes to law school for civil defense. he only wants to take cases that deal with homosexuality. he invited me to a drag show tonight but i decided not to go. hard to get lol. when i got off i went to supper with country girl and she was really excited about me being gay. i was sitting in a restaurant having the conversation i never thought i would have with countrygirl. weird. during that dinner designerboy called and said that if me and awkward guy wanted to hang out we could go to the coffee house and bar with him and a friends. i told him about he drag show and told him that i was gonna hang out at home. i was super excited that he invited me out though. i came home and was surfing the web when i get a txt from designer boy. it said--hey whats awkwardguys number? all of my friends want to meet him. wtf is up with that? why does he want this guys number? i dont understand. i guess we will see.

until next time.

My Life.

i have always wanted to blog. i just have some stuff that i felt that people i know shouldnt hear. anonymous is just a great word. i dont even really know how to start this. I am gay. Sometimes, its really hard for me to say that. I am a man of God and yet i have feelings for men. the real question is-is whether my homosexuality is just a phase or permanent. i want it to be permanent but yet i dont. i guess im what you could call confused. there are a lot of things bothering me right now. i havent had the best family life, which if your lucky ill share later,but my seventeen year old is pregnant. she had her first doctors appointment a month ago. during the appointment they found out that her baby has a good chance of having downsyndrome. this scares me. my sissy is only 17 she cant raise a child much less one with specail needs. if i could write a book on gay rules the first rule would be to never fall for a straight guy. not only just a straight guy but your best friend. this sucks. anyway, he will be called birdboy. he looks like a bird. so birdboy is awesome pretty much. he doesnt know im gay. i thought about telling him but i didnt want to ruin our friendship. he is leaving in the morning and i dont know if i will ever see him again. this sucks. i mean he is moving 6 hours away and we could totally visit but i think he will move on. i am so excited for tommorrow though. its foam night at the local gay club. there is this guy who i would like to call downgrade. he is supposed to meet me there. i met him through a friend (who thinks im straight) anyway, i ran into him last weekend at the gay club and he danced with tme and my friend who we call tatts. im not gonna lie, i could do so much better but last time i saw him he got me hard dancing. i dont know what im going to do. if i am going to go against my morals then it might as well be somebody i would enjoy, but we will see i guess alcohol can do some crazy things. so pretty much this blog is just me spilling stuff out like crazzy. i dont know if i have anything else at the moment.