lets just leave and not tell a soul goodbye.

i did it. i had sex with downgrade. well, let me stick up for myself. it totally wasnt sober sex. it wasnt even sex at all really. just plain ol everything but. when i woke up this morning i was like wtf. i didnt stay the night, i knew i couldnt wake up like that. for some reason that i dont know i regreted it. i mean, it wasnt bad sex at all. and he isnt that bad looking. well kinda. before i left i told him that i didnt want him telling anybody until i could tell countrygirl ( we have gotten really close) he agreed and told me that he would txt me tommorrow. on my way home i got a text and it said " lets not tell anybody about this until we know its what we want." then i was really like wtf? what we want?? i am def not good with relationships. i am the worlds worst. i just agreed and decided what i needed was sleep. i am kinda scared i mean do i have a fuck buddy now?

last thursday, countrygirl and i went to the local country club. i was dancing the night away, which is what i do best, when i felt somebody tap me on the shoulder. i looked up and was speechless. it was my first cousin on my dads side. you should know my father has abandoned me more than once in my life. it was so awkward. what am i supposed to say. we said hello and did a fifteen second catch up session and went our own way. three hours later and like 5 shots of vodka later we went to whataburger. guess who was there. yep unknowncousin himself. in my drunkeness i asked him where my dad was. i found out that my dad has lived in the same town as me for the last three months. not a phone call nothing. i gave him my number and told him to tell my dad to call me. i dont like my dad but i would still like to have one. my dad never called. it sucks because when i thought about it. my own father doesnt want to talk to me. what an ass.

my life in general right now is the fact that i am trapt. at least thats what i feel. i miss birdboy. the memories are less and less. but they are still there. my sister decided not to have the test done. she said that she didnt care what happened she wanted to keep him/her. i am so excited. vacation is comin up. yay for me. anyway, i love wine. its the best.

until next time.