if it makes you happy, well then it cant be that bad.

i have come to a conclusion.

If you would have looked back into my life a year ago i was not comfortable with who i was at all. I thought that me being gay was just a stage and that it would go away one day and i would marry a girl and have tons of kids. Although, in the last year my mindset (thanks to a lot of great friends including but not limited to stonergirl and dizzy) has done a complete 360. i realize now that I AM GAY. I also realize that i am in no way at all attracted to girls and having a wife is in no way possible. i also used to think that i would never tell my family in a million years. this christmas i wanted to so badly. i am tired of hiding myself, but i couldnt get up the nerve to let them know. they are the most conservative people you will ever meet. i mean i was cut off for like 3 weeks because they found out i voted democratic. haha seriously. there have been many chapters in my gay life.

Chapter One: First Encounter
when i was in the seventh grade i was having a sleepover with all of the "cool guys" in my class. i always have been bffs with all girls. At the time i lived with my mom and this worried her so she decided i needed some male contact. if only she knew thats exactly what i got lol. it was a game of truth and dare. i ended up losing my oral vcard that night.

Chapter Two: Constant Hook-ups.
this chapter has been the last four years of my life. i knew in high school that a relationship was impossible so my gay life was nothing but bootycalls from drunkyn football players whose gfs wouldnt put out.

I have decided that im starting chapter 3. im done with sex until i am in a relationship. thats what i want more than anything at this moment. unfortunalty this little city is full of guys that are looking to get off and most of them are really selfish lovers anyway. im done with them. DONE.

PS the guy i met the other night at the club just wants to get off. man oh man. will he ever come?

eh.

i met a boy. =]

last night my favorite lesbian, meggy, came into town and dragged stonergirl and I out to the drag queen show. we got super stoned before we went so it was def a trip. we met some friends of meggy's up there. Lust and Love is what we will call them. When we first got there meggy would not stop giving me these gross skanky lap dances. gross me out. stonergirl and lust were just chatting away when i realized it wasnt megan rubing her ass all over me. it was lust. he gave some good lap dances! anyway, we sat on the steps to watch the drag show. unfortunatly, love was left standing. him and stonergirl were whispering and i thought i saw stonergirl point to me but i wasnt for sure. i hadnt spoke to love at all that night besides our introduction. i was distracted by a fabulous queen when i felt somebody spread my legs and sit on the step below between my legs. i look down and its love. he kept staring at me randomly throughout the night. he even dance behind me. we sat down and talked about where we were from, being in and out of the closet, and random stuff like that. towards the end of the night he kinda quit paying attention to me. stonergirl says they werent talking bout me. i felt a connection with this guy. i cant explain it but i could. when we left i went to give him a hug and he whispered something that sounded like number. i couldnt be sure so i just nodded my head and walked off. i got his number from meggy. im to scared to text him. what if he doesnt like me and was just drunk? i am so awful at this. could somebody please give me lessons?

holy fuck fuck fuck.

ok so i did it. i fucked up. im drunk off my ass right now. birdboy and i have been texting all night long. anyway, i am drunk, like i said. i asked him to tell me a secret and he told me that him and his gf have been done for the last two months. i was pissed. ok so i realize that i am totally and completly in love with him and as far as i know ( i, among my friends still have our doubts) he is straight. what im ranting about is that i dont fucking get it. he is my roommate and at one time we were best friends. why in the fuck did this mother fucker wait two months to tell me???? anyway in my drukyn rage i texted him this.

your like the best guy friend i have ever had. i was abused by a man and have been scared of men every since. sometimes i think that when it comes to personal stuff you keep me out and i dont get it? why?

no fucking responce. i did it this time huh. i put my foot in my mouth and said something i shouldnt have. he hasnt responded and im freaking the mother fucking fuck out. ahhhhhhhh. ok i need to calm down and just go to sleep i guess. holy fuck what the fuck did i do?

ps dizzy is a great teacher. i played pool with a complete group of stangers and kicked their ass!

walking in a winter wonderland.

I love my grandmother very much. She has a specail place with me. She raised me and I owe everything i am to her. She has seen all of the fucked up things my mom and dad and aunts have done so she automatically assumes that i am following in the same path. She worries about me so much when, honestly i am a pretty good. Well, most of the time haha anyway, i have a funny story. i think its funny at least.

Grandmother: What are you doing?

Me: Watching some old christmas movie. kinda depressing

Grandmother: Why is it so depressing? It is christmas, its supposed to be happy.

Me: Well, growing up I always thought that all adults got to meet santa so i just automatically assumed that when i turned 18 we would miracuosly meet up and like hang out or something.

Grandmoter: Well, there is a good reason yall didnt meet. He isn't real.

Me: What???? SANTA ISNT REAL! ARE YOU BEING SERIOUSSS?

Grandmother: Oh my Lord in Heaven (yes she really says that) Are you drinking? Your drunk right now arent you.

Me: Goodbye Grandmother.

lol i thought it was pretty funny.

kinda like the time my cousin told my aunt that she was the coolest mom in the whole world because she had the same pjs as the toothfairy. haha

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

thats not my name.

i have been reading some of my recent posts and damnnnnn i have been a debbie downer. trust me, thats not me. i am a bad ass mother fucker. i am a blast to be around. i just wanted to let all of yall know that.



i had a random memory yesterday. i was thinking about this time when me and dizzy both worked at that shit hole. she had this book called post secrets. i read the shit out of that book and it was uhhmazing. i became a fan on facebook of the book and there was this post where you could put your number and people randomly text you their secrets. i posted my number and damn you guys. there are some fucked up people out there. haha i love it. secrets fasinate me.



school is over thank god! damn this was a shitty semester. i am looking forward to the next one though. i have decided im gonna make it amazing and i am gonna rock it. Mr. Amazing and I have really hit it off. he is cool. he is out of town for the break though. i wonder if things will change when birdboy comes home?



ohemgee. i havent told yall about this. i am an uncle. my sister had her baby. she is adorable and stole my heart the moment i saw her. the only girl that will ever have my heart. =]



anyway, i was just bored and wanted to update this thing.



until next tim

wow.

dear readers,

do you guys remember the childhood friend of mine (jay) i had a crush on? well he hooked me up with a guy that we will call Mr. Amazing, and that is exactly what he is. he isnt that cute but he will do. i know that sounds awful i dont really know any other way to put it.

Jay "im gonna tell him you want him to go home with you."

Me "i will kill you and you will die."

Jay "haha ok ok"

30 minutes later and 2 glasses of wine....

Me " ok, so do you wanna come home with me?"

Mr. Amazing " sure"

am i slut? i hooked up with a guy on the first date and not only that but i just met him! anyway, i like him. i can smell him. he told me that i was hott and the best "sex" of his life. he said can we do that everyday? haha anyway, we decided to be sex buds and thats it. i think i want more. is it possible to make him decide he wants a relationship. yes, yes. i think i can.

untill next time.