Time changes Everything.

birdboy left for good. he didn't even stop to say goodbye. all i got is a text that said "hey, im gonna miss you. stay in touch." what the fuck? 6 months of friendship and i get a stay in touch. maybe i am just making this a big deal because i had feelings for him. anyway, that was one of the hardest days of my life. everything around me reminded me of him. everything. im so serious. everybody tells me that time heal all wounds. i believe that because everyday gets easier and eaiser. he has been gone three days. at least once a day every memory that we shared come flushing back to me as if it were happening. soon enough it will be once a week and then once a month. the sad part is that eventually they will be gone. anyway, i would like to change the subject before it hits me. ps. my feelings are still there.

so in the last blog i told yall about downgrade. thursday night we did go out and he was there. i did get drunk and the thought of the nights action crossed my mind. then suddenly some techno song plays. who would have guessed it was mine and birdboys song. wtf? i had to stop dancing. for some reason i felt like i was hurting birdboy by hanging out with this other guy. my friends and i went and sat down so i could get over all the memories flushing through and i realized that a rebound wasn't gonna help my feelings. and not to mention that downgrades are unnacceptable. this guy was a hobbit, a downgraded hobbit.

the next night i went to a friend from works house. her name is countrygirl. countrygirl, i recently discovered is really cool. anyway, we all started drinking this good ass whine. it was awesome. i drank a lot. yes, downgrade was there. i got really drunk and countrygirl and i went walking to her vehicle for something and in my drunkness and a birdboy flashback i confessed everything to her. i told her i was gay. it was a really big deal at the time. she is a southern babtist and i thought that she would flip. she hugged me and told me she loved me. thank you lord. later on the night as the whine kept pouring i decided to announce to the whole room that i was gay. what the hell am i thinking? 3 months ago i was scared to death thinking that nobody could know my secret. well, i would tell a gorgeous jew, but nobody else. i found myself thinking that at what point did i decide--hey im gay and i want the world to know. i dont know. i really dont. it just came out like word vomit. of course the girl who couldnt keep anything to herself (gossipgirl) was there. that was friday. its sunday and the world knows. damn. im scared. i have no parents--only grandparents. what will they think if they were to find out? the can never know ever. anyway, downgrade made the moves on me and i told him that he was just a rebound thought and i wasnt interested. mean i know but i was drunk and didnt know what else to think. anywho later that night i called birdboy and told him that he needed to call me back so i could tell him something. of course i was drunk and tell him everything. he never called back. i texted him the next day and asked what he was doing. he still hasnt replied. i went home that night and threw my guts up. what will come out of this situation?

ok, so now im pretty much out to everyone at work. my friend asiangirl (who recently found out her bf was a homosexual) decided that she wanted to get out. so me, our friend stonergirl, and asaingirl invited our other gay friend, designerboy, over. designerboy brought another gay friend over so i could work on my gay social networking. this guy was creepy. anyway, we all drank and got stoned, watched porn and went out. creepy guy gave me weird looks all night. he wanted me. let me just tell you that we had a blast. we all danced the night away and got really drunk. i didnt puke that night.

today at work the craziest thing happened. i work at some kind of salon. a regular customer came in and asked me a personal question. he was mistaking me for designer boy. i clarified i wasnt that guy. the customer awkwardguy, got a smile on his face and asked me if i wanted to hang out sometime. i said yes and we exchanged numbers. we have been txting for the last 5 hours straight. of course this is an accomplishment for me so i decided to let designer boy in on the gig. he seemed excited about the situation. his mom knew him and he said that she said he was a good guy. this guy is really cool. he goes to law school for civil defense. he only wants to take cases that deal with homosexuality. he invited me to a drag show tonight but i decided not to go. hard to get lol. when i got off i went to supper with country girl and she was really excited about me being gay. i was sitting in a restaurant having the conversation i never thought i would have with countrygirl. weird. during that dinner designerboy called and said that if me and awkward guy wanted to hang out we could go to the coffee house and bar with him and a friends. i told him about he drag show and told him that i was gonna hang out at home. i was super excited that he invited me out though. i came home and was surfing the web when i get a txt from designer boy. it said--hey whats awkwardguys number? all of my friends want to meet him. wtf is up with that? why does he want this guys number? i dont understand. i guess we will see.

until next time.