prayers for bobby.

i want to come out. i want to come out soon. i am terrified though. literally scared to the point that every time i think about doing it tears fall from my eyes. i love my family to death, more than anything in the whole world. I have a very fucked up family. As you may know I was raised by my grandparents because my parents were very ill equipted, and when i say that i mean that they were addicts. My mom and my grandmother havent really spoken in years. The point of that statement is that my grandparents were there for me when my parents werent. They took me in and gave me stability, love, hope, and made me believe that i was possible of doing anything. i dont want to dissapoint them. My biggest fear is that they will be so dissapointed that they wont speak to me. I dont want to lose my family.

My grandmother told me the other day, "There is nothing I hate more in this world than when somebody can look me in the eye and lie to me." That is exactly what I am doing. I am looking her straight (no pun intended) in the eye and telling her that I am interested in woman when she asks about my love life. I am deceiving her. Not only her but the rest of my family and my friends. What should i do? Should i just sit her down and be like "I'm queer and I'm here so get over it.?" How do i even handle this situation? I want to be me. I want to live my life the way i am happiest, gay. I have been having dreams that i am having sex in front of my family members. In one of my dreams my sister told me, "your gay and thats what i love most about you" weird huh? I love my family and I want them to enjoy my happiness with me but how can I if i am so scared? oh my gosh what do i do? I cant live my life like this anymore. help

the blonder the better.

i am sitting here drunk right now. drunk and alone haha im an alcoholic apparently. anyway, i got drunk for a reason. a couple of weeks ago i dared into the online dating experience. i was nervous at first, but i knew that if it worked for some people it could work for me. i have exchanged lots of emails and chats but none really stood out for me. for the most part these guys were looking for a quick screw. like i have said before, thats not what i am looking for right now. anyway did meet a guy who seemed generally nice. I havent decided what to call him yet, but it turns out that we have a lot in common. I gave him my number and we have been texting a lot these last couple of days. about six today he told me he wanted to call me tonight. i freaked out, i have just a touch of anxiety disorder when it comes to meeting new people, much less a complete stranger from the internet that could possibly be the next mr. justaguy. wait, thats a lie i want my partners last name. haha anyway, he calls and we talk for a good twenty minutes. he is about to call me back and im actually really excited. i dont know why but he seems like a good match for me. but dont get your hopes up, dear reader. I will probably blog in about a week and say some bullshit like oh it just didnt work out. you should know the drill by now.

i had a guy tell me earlier this week that homosexuality was a mental disorder. he didnt know im gay. that was like a fucking knife going through my heart? who the fuck does he think he is. he is mentally ill for thinking that.

until next time.

love is free.

i havent blogged in a while. dont know why really, i would have all of this stuff i would think of and then as soon as i sat down it would all be gone. poof blank head. haha how weird is it to have a new president. we have had the same prez since i was 11 years old! I am soo excited for obama will do for our country. I believe what he has to say and maybe just maybe make gay marraige legal!

i suppose some of you (if there are any readers out there) are wondering what its like to live with the imfamous birdboy. first of all, let me just tell you that when he got here i realized something. i was not as in love with him as i thought i was. i guess bc he has been gone so long and i hadnt seen him i built him up to be something a lot bigger than he really was. it was a big relief. living with him is really easy. he is hardly ever home and when he is we just sit on the couch and get stoned and watch brad pitt (birdboys self claimed husband) movies. he looks at porn on my laptop. did i mention that? he has some weird taste sexually. first off there was girls in it. thats not normal haha i met somebody on the post secret blog that had the same situation i did and we talked about it for a while through txts. we decided the best thing to do is prepare for the worst but expect the best. that thought really has helped a lot.

school started for me today and i already wanna cry. i am taking algebra for the 5th time and i think i may scream. math is just not my subject nor will it ever be. and why do i need math for my career? a news anchor (thats what i want to be fyi) will never need math. ever. i have been having weird sex dreams about stonergirls roommate. he isnt that bad looking but he is almost 30 and probably disease infested. lol

as far as the whole "no sex until a relationship" thing. the oppurtunity hasnt really arised for me latly so therefor, i havent got to turn anybody down.

until next time.

we've got the vision, now lets have some fun.

I decided that you guys need some background info, and im bored so here it goes.

I was born on April 23, 1989 in the same town i was raised in. I call that place my hometown. The person that matters most to me in this whole world still lives there after 52 years. My grandmother took me in when my mother and father didnt want me. I love her more than anyone would ever know. My sister however, was lucky (well i say lucky) enough to be raised by our mother. My sister just had a beautiful baby girl a month ago at the age of 17. My friends mean everything to me. All of my friends are family just not by blood.

Fabgirl aka Dizzy- I met dizzy at work and my life was instantly changed. It all started with an innocent invite to go ballroom dancing. A friendship quickly grew and she made me comfortable with who i am--gay. She was my ultimate party girl. Miss you dizzy!

Countrygirl- I also met her at work. She is very conservative in her actions but open minded in her beliefs. She is very clingy, but at times can be a very fun person.

Stonergirl- She is another Dizzy only way cooler. haha jk dizzy. i love this chick so much. she is amazing and no matter what i say she has no judgement at all. we have similar childhoods so its easy to relate when i have family problems.

Blondie- She is one of the only people i still talk to from high school. this chick is fucking stupid haha she has her moments. i love her dearly but i dont see us being friends forever. we will go our own way haha

Birdboy- He is the best guy friend i have ever had. Despite what dizzy says, his sexuality is questionable. Before i continue lets leave all judgements at the door mk? I love him. Thats hard for me to say but i think its true. I am gonna spare the sappy details. He asked me to move in with him and i agreed. He moves in tomorrow, and I am scared to death. I dont know whats going to happen but i think i will be happy to just be in his presence.

Jay- he is the only gay man in this world i trust. Gay guys are very coniving and manipulative. Its very hard to trust them. Jay and I pretty much grew up together so i know i can trust him. He is like my gay godfather if you will. If i have a question about something i am not quite sure of he is always there with an answer.

I dont understand a single thing in my life, but thats ok because one day it will all makes sense.