lets just leave and not tell a soul goodbye.

i did it. i had sex with downgrade. well, let me stick up for myself. it totally wasnt sober sex. it wasnt even sex at all really. just plain ol everything but. when i woke up this morning i was like wtf. i didnt stay the night, i knew i couldnt wake up like that. for some reason that i dont know i regreted it. i mean, it wasnt bad sex at all. and he isnt that bad looking. well kinda. before i left i told him that i didnt want him telling anybody until i could tell countrygirl ( we have gotten really close) he agreed and told me that he would txt me tommorrow. on my way home i got a text and it said " lets not tell anybody about this until we know its what we want." then i was really like wtf? what we want?? i am def not good with relationships. i am the worlds worst. i just agreed and decided what i needed was sleep. i am kinda scared i mean do i have a fuck buddy now?

last thursday, countrygirl and i went to the local country club. i was dancing the night away, which is what i do best, when i felt somebody tap me on the shoulder. i looked up and was speechless. it was my first cousin on my dads side. you should know my father has abandoned me more than once in my life. it was so awkward. what am i supposed to say. we said hello and did a fifteen second catch up session and went our own way. three hours later and like 5 shots of vodka later we went to whataburger. guess who was there. yep unknowncousin himself. in my drunkeness i asked him where my dad was. i found out that my dad has lived in the same town as me for the last three months. not a phone call nothing. i gave him my number and told him to tell my dad to call me. i dont like my dad but i would still like to have one. my dad never called. it sucks because when i thought about it. my own father doesnt want to talk to me. what an ass.

my life in general right now is the fact that i am trapt. at least thats what i feel. i miss birdboy. the memories are less and less. but they are still there. my sister decided not to have the test done. she said that she didnt care what happened she wanted to keep him/her. i am so excited. vacation is comin up. yay for me. anyway, i love wine. its the best.

until next time.

life is now or never

i have the most emotional man alive latly. call it a man period if you wish. i dont even know where to start on this one. i hate what im about to write. i hate not being happy. i guess we will start off with family drama. i talked to my mom this week, for the first time since april. of course she tried to make me feel bad about how my life was better than hers. sucks i know. maybe if she laid off the men and meth she would have what i have. anyway, we still dont know if my sisters baby has downsyndrom, but mom said if it did there was a good chance she wouldnt keep it. she told me this as i was telling her about 30 dollar pair of shoes i just bought my future niece/nephew. we find out tomorrow what sissy is having. i personally cant wait.

latly, i have been hating my life. which really i hate my job. bitch, bitch, bitch. thats all i ever hear. hey you did this wrong. oh and this. and did i mention this. pretty much you never do anything right. i dont wanna get a new job because i dont want to have to start over new somewhere else. however, i do want to start completly over. change my name, my life, my hair color. be somebody else thats completly different. the song is "boston" by augustana. i love that song. i hate this feeling though. the feeling of unsatisfaction. i am lonely. i want somebody to go home to. somebody to love me. again, realize i hate writing stuff like this. i hate showing emotions.

today at work i was bored. i spent 6 hours on this website reading about other peoples lives. creating what they looked like in my head. their likes and dislikes. its was like my own little world. then a customer would come in and i would be forced to come back to the real world. shit. i need to cheer up. i hate unhappiness. its pathetic. and also, i need to get laid. i am so sick of temporaryness. (however you may spell that) ugh whatever moving on.

country girl and i getting closer. weird i know. gossipgirl is pissed. i stole her bestie. thats what you get bitch. anyway, birdboy has dissapeared completly. i saw on his facebook that he was in a relationship. good for him. just to let him know. once a cheater always a cheater. and oh have you heard. lindsay lohan is gay. we could get married and have an open relationship. awesome! anyway, i took a sleeping pill and i need my beauty sleep. im getting really drunk and dancing my ass of tomorow night.

until next time.

Time changes Everything.

birdboy left for good. he didn't even stop to say goodbye. all i got is a text that said "hey, im gonna miss you. stay in touch." what the fuck? 6 months of friendship and i get a stay in touch. maybe i am just making this a big deal because i had feelings for him. anyway, that was one of the hardest days of my life. everything around me reminded me of him. everything. im so serious. everybody tells me that time heal all wounds. i believe that because everyday gets easier and eaiser. he has been gone three days. at least once a day every memory that we shared come flushing back to me as if it were happening. soon enough it will be once a week and then once a month. the sad part is that eventually they will be gone. anyway, i would like to change the subject before it hits me. ps. my feelings are still there.

so in the last blog i told yall about downgrade. thursday night we did go out and he was there. i did get drunk and the thought of the nights action crossed my mind. then suddenly some techno song plays. who would have guessed it was mine and birdboys song. wtf? i had to stop dancing. for some reason i felt like i was hurting birdboy by hanging out with this other guy. my friends and i went and sat down so i could get over all the memories flushing through and i realized that a rebound wasn't gonna help my feelings. and not to mention that downgrades are unnacceptable. this guy was a hobbit, a downgraded hobbit.

the next night i went to a friend from works house. her name is countrygirl. countrygirl, i recently discovered is really cool. anyway, we all started drinking this good ass whine. it was awesome. i drank a lot. yes, downgrade was there. i got really drunk and countrygirl and i went walking to her vehicle for something and in my drunkness and a birdboy flashback i confessed everything to her. i told her i was gay. it was a really big deal at the time. she is a southern babtist and i thought that she would flip. she hugged me and told me she loved me. thank you lord. later on the night as the whine kept pouring i decided to announce to the whole room that i was gay. what the hell am i thinking? 3 months ago i was scared to death thinking that nobody could know my secret. well, i would tell a gorgeous jew, but nobody else. i found myself thinking that at what point did i decide--hey im gay and i want the world to know. i dont know. i really dont. it just came out like word vomit. of course the girl who couldnt keep anything to herself (gossipgirl) was there. that was friday. its sunday and the world knows. damn. im scared. i have no parents--only grandparents. what will they think if they were to find out? the can never know ever. anyway, downgrade made the moves on me and i told him that he was just a rebound thought and i wasnt interested. mean i know but i was drunk and didnt know what else to think. anywho later that night i called birdboy and told him that he needed to call me back so i could tell him something. of course i was drunk and tell him everything. he never called back. i texted him the next day and asked what he was doing. he still hasnt replied. i went home that night and threw my guts up. what will come out of this situation?

ok, so now im pretty much out to everyone at work. my friend asiangirl (who recently found out her bf was a homosexual) decided that she wanted to get out. so me, our friend stonergirl, and asaingirl invited our other gay friend, designerboy, over. designerboy brought another gay friend over so i could work on my gay social networking. this guy was creepy. anyway, we all drank and got stoned, watched porn and went out. creepy guy gave me weird looks all night. he wanted me. let me just tell you that we had a blast. we all danced the night away and got really drunk. i didnt puke that night.

today at work the craziest thing happened. i work at some kind of salon. a regular customer came in and asked me a personal question. he was mistaking me for designer boy. i clarified i wasnt that guy. the customer awkwardguy, got a smile on his face and asked me if i wanted to hang out sometime. i said yes and we exchanged numbers. we have been txting for the last 5 hours straight. of course this is an accomplishment for me so i decided to let designer boy in on the gig. he seemed excited about the situation. his mom knew him and he said that she said he was a good guy. this guy is really cool. he goes to law school for civil defense. he only wants to take cases that deal with homosexuality. he invited me to a drag show tonight but i decided not to go. hard to get lol. when i got off i went to supper with country girl and she was really excited about me being gay. i was sitting in a restaurant having the conversation i never thought i would have with countrygirl. weird. during that dinner designerboy called and said that if me and awkward guy wanted to hang out we could go to the coffee house and bar with him and a friends. i told him about he drag show and told him that i was gonna hang out at home. i was super excited that he invited me out though. i came home and was surfing the web when i get a txt from designer boy. it said--hey whats awkwardguys number? all of my friends want to meet him. wtf is up with that? why does he want this guys number? i dont understand. i guess we will see.

until next time.

My Life.

i have always wanted to blog. i just have some stuff that i felt that people i know shouldnt hear. anonymous is just a great word. i dont even really know how to start this. I am gay. Sometimes, its really hard for me to say that. I am a man of God and yet i have feelings for men. the real question is-is whether my homosexuality is just a phase or permanent. i want it to be permanent but yet i dont. i guess im what you could call confused. there are a lot of things bothering me right now. i havent had the best family life, which if your lucky ill share later,but my seventeen year old is pregnant. she had her first doctors appointment a month ago. during the appointment they found out that her baby has a good chance of having downsyndrome. this scares me. my sissy is only 17 she cant raise a child much less one with specail needs. if i could write a book on gay rules the first rule would be to never fall for a straight guy. not only just a straight guy but your best friend. this sucks. anyway, he will be called birdboy. he looks like a bird. so birdboy is awesome pretty much. he doesnt know im gay. i thought about telling him but i didnt want to ruin our friendship. he is leaving in the morning and i dont know if i will ever see him again. this sucks. i mean he is moving 6 hours away and we could totally visit but i think he will move on. i am so excited for tommorrow though. its foam night at the local gay club. there is this guy who i would like to call downgrade. he is supposed to meet me there. i met him through a friend (who thinks im straight) anyway, i ran into him last weekend at the gay club and he danced with tme and my friend who we call tatts. im not gonna lie, i could do so much better but last time i saw him he got me hard dancing. i dont know what im going to do. if i am going to go against my morals then it might as well be somebody i would enjoy, but we will see i guess alcohol can do some crazy things. so pretty much this blog is just me spilling stuff out like crazzy. i dont know if i have anything else at the moment.