you can pay for school but you cant buy class.

i have been thinking a lot latly. my life has been in such a slump i have no clue what to do with myself. i feel depressed all of the time. which is awful for me. i hate not being happy and feeling weak. i wish i could be this strong person. if you didnt already know my childhood sucked. anywho my mom is way bipolar. like to the extreme. when i was younger we went through a lot (my mom, my sis, and i). when something went wrong i had to be strong for them. it was like i was raising them both, complete role reversal. i would always push the bad to the back and smile and make jokes. unfortunatly, now everything is surfacing and coming at me at once. i am drowning. it all started when i had to drop two of my classes because i was failing and then i got home to realize my puppy had died. it was like everything hit me like a ton of bricks. all i could do was lay in my bed and look at the ceiling. i didnt leave my bed for like twelve hours. the sad thing is that its all in the back of my head now and im smiling and making jokes. i really dont know what to do.

i have been consumed latly in the twilight saga. every waking moment i have my nose is buried in one of those books. i saw the movie tonight and was dissapointed. nothing compared to the book. i think i want to change my career goal. i want to be a writer. i have these stories i play out in my head. every situation has a story. i am more of a free spirit and writing fits.

did i mention i have a little bit of a crush on my childhood friend. there is a twist though. he is actually 100% gay! i know. not my type haha. we are txt buddies and never really hang out. i mean we used to work together for my uncle. thats when we spent 12 hours a day together. he was the first gay person i had ever been around and i totally looked up to him. it was our little secret. anyway, we already discussed the possibilities and friendship is better. he wants me to come to his house tomorrow and watch the game with him and his buddies. says theere will be plenty men for me to choose from. i may be to shy for that though. we will see.

until next time.

ps in exactly one week i will be a uncle!