the only thing that stays the same is everything changes

I just read dizzys (love you to!) last post and it made me start to wonder how long its been since I started blogging. its been a little over a year for me also! I just have one question, where the hell has this year gone? time is always something that has always facinated me. I can't grasp the concept. one minute your life is one way but in a single moment it can all be different. nothing has stayed the same for me in the last year. when I first started blogging I had just found out that my 17 year old sister was pregnant. at the time I was only selfishly thinking of my sister. wondering if she could handle it, would she be ok? in two weeks my niece will be 8 months old. I didn't realize until I held my niece for the first time that there was a life involved. my worries back then seem so pointless. my sister has turned out to be a wonderful mother! another thing that has drastically changed is my relationship with birdboy. I mentioned him in one of my first blogs. at the time at I had some major feelings for the guy. when he left for that semester I painted this picture in my head of this super hero. well, when he moved back and we started living together my perception totally changed. even though he still makes me smile any time im in contact with him and he knows just the right things to say to let me knows he cares (without being to gay) I just don't feel the same about him. now he is more like an extremely good friend. when I look back to when he left the first time I feel so juvenile about the way I handled it. my view on life has changed drastically in the last year. as you may or may not have gotten from my blogs I suffered a grueling 4 months of deep depression. if you have never been depressed its hard to grasp what its like. those cymbalta sommercials barely touch on the subject. I had basically locked myself in my apartment and never ever left. I went an entire week without ever leaving the couch. I never even admitted to myself that I was depressed until I started going to counseling. I have also overcome a big part of my anxiety disorder. therapy has helped me so much. in the last year I have also gotten a lot gayer, if that's even possible. Here's to the next year! may it be the best and most unforgetable of our lives!

why??

why do I do this? I always tell myself in the beginng to stop myself. quit that feeling I get in my gut. its out of my reach. nothing I can ever do will give me that satisfaction. no matter how many times I tell myself no I still push it closer and closer. why?