on my own.

Well, I did it. I moved away from home! I packed up everything i owned and moved six hours across the state. My nerves had me absolutly sick the days before I left. I put off packing untill i possibly couldnt wait any longer. I have learned the only way I do things when I'm scared is to just leap. Its kinda like you are about to get into the pool. I believe that it was Mary Katherine Gallager (yes off superstar!) that made that analogy at the beginning of the movie. You can either dip your toes in and test the water first or you can just leap! I tried just dipping my toes in the giant pool we call risk, but i can never get completly in. Therefor, I must leap. Not take any time to think about it, just close my eyes and jump in! I have been here for almost three weeks and it has definatly been bittersweet. I am gettting a little bit of cabin fever sitting in this apartment not knowing many people, but it is good to be away for what was normal. My anxiety hasn't made this move easy. Everything has been really hard for me, including riding the bus to campus. I didnt think i would ever survive that awkward bus ride. The campus difference between my old jr college and the university i'm at now. The UNI is huge with people everywhere. This is going to sound super small town but there are also a lot different cultures everywhere. I like seeing different, but I still feel alone. I need to meet people. I have watched a lot of greys anatomy during the past three weeks, so im full of wonderful Meredith Grey quotes but really sticks out to me know is, "We either embrace change, or we get left behind." I have decided im not getting left behind. I am going to jump into every pool possible. I am going to do the things that scare me the most.


You know, I am a really bad gay guy. I really have no clue what to do, besides loving men, to define me as a gay man. Am i supposed to like fashion? Am i supposed to love to decorate? How should I dress? There is also the thinking that I am just myself, and that me being gay doesn't define me as a whole. I would like to know more about homosexuality, I wanna know our history and know what i should stand for. I need gay friends. I need to know what other gay people are like, to get to know myself (if that makes anything else). This brings up the question, and if you have the answer please let me know, but where does one find the gay community and make gay friends? The movie MILK is awesome and really sparks my interest in gay rights. There is a GLTB group on campus that I plan on attending, if I can get the courage to go alone.

a fork in the road.

my senior year of high school I had seven class periods. four out of the seven teachers were born and raised in my small west texas town. this facinated me, so I asked why they were still there. every single one of them gave me the same answer. once your a small town kid your always a small town kid. from that day forward I promised myself that I was different. I was never a small town kid. of course going to college, I moved to the smallest city I could find right in the middle of the bible belt. not to mention it was only an hours drive from home. in four short days im finally getting out! im moving out of the bible belt to a much bigger city six hours from home. I have never been so scared in my life. my therapist told me that its the things in life that scare us the most that are the most worth it. of course me being this scared only proves that I actually was a small town kid. I am bout to purposely and completely put my life in a different direction. will I be happy with the choice? only time will tell.

oh uh.

stoner girl is my absolute best friend. I don't talk about her enough on here. this weekend stonergirl and i's lesbian best bff came into town. it was also my last weekend in town. of course every night we get fucked up and go to whatever club is having gay night. im a pothead so im not really much of a going out type of person these days so for me to do it three nights in a row is crazy! tonight we went and I danced my ass off, had a three way make out session with my lez bff and some stranger we met in the bathroom (i know, where's the boys right?), and had a blast! one thing though, at the end of the night stonergirl disapears. one of our mutual friends comes up to me to tell me that she has been in the bathroom doing coke. I was pissed, scared, and shocked. we have been best friends for the last year and a half and we had our first fight. it was awful and I hated it. when we parted ways I was so scared. I had never felt so alone. the one person I wanted to tell my favorite parts of the night I couldn't talk to. I felt alone. we are absolutly fine now. I went home smoked a bowl and texted her. its all out of the way now. did I mention that this was a two hour time frame? im to drunk to type. damn sangria.

the only thing that stays the same is everything changes

I just read dizzys (love you to!) last post and it made me start to wonder how long its been since I started blogging. its been a little over a year for me also! I just have one question, where the hell has this year gone? time is always something that has always facinated me. I can't grasp the concept. one minute your life is one way but in a single moment it can all be different. nothing has stayed the same for me in the last year. when I first started blogging I had just found out that my 17 year old sister was pregnant. at the time I was only selfishly thinking of my sister. wondering if she could handle it, would she be ok? in two weeks my niece will be 8 months old. I didn't realize until I held my niece for the first time that there was a life involved. my worries back then seem so pointless. my sister has turned out to be a wonderful mother! another thing that has drastically changed is my relationship with birdboy. I mentioned him in one of my first blogs. at the time at I had some major feelings for the guy. when he left for that semester I painted this picture in my head of this super hero. well, when he moved back and we started living together my perception totally changed. even though he still makes me smile any time im in contact with him and he knows just the right things to say to let me knows he cares (without being to gay) I just don't feel the same about him. now he is more like an extremely good friend. when I look back to when he left the first time I feel so juvenile about the way I handled it. my view on life has changed drastically in the last year. as you may or may not have gotten from my blogs I suffered a grueling 4 months of deep depression. if you have never been depressed its hard to grasp what its like. those cymbalta sommercials barely touch on the subject. I had basically locked myself in my apartment and never ever left. I went an entire week without ever leaving the couch. I never even admitted to myself that I was depressed until I started going to counseling. I have also overcome a big part of my anxiety disorder. therapy has helped me so much. in the last year I have also gotten a lot gayer, if that's even possible. Here's to the next year! may it be the best and most unforgetable of our lives!

why??

why do I do this? I always tell myself in the beginng to stop myself. quit that feeling I get in my gut. its out of my reach. nothing I can ever do will give me that satisfaction. no matter how many times I tell myself no I still push it closer and closer. why?

ohh the possibilities....

I travled to the town im moving to three days ago. I loved it the moment pulled in. its so different than where I am now. there are trees and squirels! the girl im moving with is super sweet, although she is extremely conservative. we toured the campus and searched endlessly for apartments. just when we were ready to give up we found the perfect one. it was right in our price range, close to campus, and it has a gorgeous balcony facing a wooded area! I plan to have a lot of potted plants and bird feeders. it really feels like things are falling into place! im actually doing this. I move in two months and I absolutly can't wait!

pipes and vibrators.

im not a big fan of censorship. I feel like cencorship is taking away our first amendment freedom. The reason im saying this is because this post is not gonna be cencored. this is your warning haha.

this whole new me started when they hired this new girl at work. we will call her girlfriend. the reason im calling her this is because I swear this bitch thinks I am her boyfriend! I have news for you hunny, I don't like what you have to offer. it all started as a simple invite to go hott tubing. I was extremely hesitant because im not in model shape and also because of my f-in anxiety disorder. she talked me into it and a few cups of wine later I had found my new favorite activity. I get to get drunk sitting with a bunch of half naked straight men. I have never met so many new people in my whole life. not to mention every time we drink girlfriend thinks its hott to make out! we always go to the bathroom together and every trip she shows me her mother fucking vag. she thinks its hilarious but the disgust is to much for me! don't get me wrong. she is a blast to hang out with but she is the type of person who you have to be drinking to hang out with. anyway, one drunken night in the hott tub she mentions that she wants to get her nose pierced. I have always wanted a piercing but im a chicken. the bitch talked me into piercing my tongue! ladies and gentleman my tongue is pierced! its the weirdest feeling in the whole world. its very very sore at the moment but im told in the end its worth it.

the tux shop is very good about taking care of us. since prom season is over the big boss gave us all bonuses! kaaaching! stonergirl and I went to blow a good chunk of it today. we went to book stores, Hastings, and even the local smoke shop where I purchased my second pipe. my first one, dr. phil, was cheap so it was time to upgrade! im not sure what to name it yet. any suggestions? after I blew 100 bucks in the smoke shop I jokingly said lets go buy vibrators now. stonergirl wasn't gonna take no for an answer on that one. we picked out a very discreet store where we knew they had them. I was expecting to walk in a black light room and see a bunch of middle aged fat men wearing sunglasses. I was wrong. there were two girls sittng at a front desk wearing next to nothing. when they asked if they could help us stonergirl pushed me out to the counter. keep in mind I just had my tongue pierced so this next statement came out a like a 7 year old boy with a studder. all I could say was toys. haha she took us into this room and open this closet door. I have never seen so many rubber dicks in my life! after glancing at the ipod charging vibrator, the pickle, and the hello kitty vibrator I say something interesting towards the back. it looked just like a butterfinger bar but it said "better than a finger" haha it was a perfect little tiny vibrator. I bought it and some lube. I have never done any experimenting with anal at all so im very nervous. I got it for two reasons. 1) when I do lose my v card I want my flower (yes my flower) to be prepared.2) im curious about what its like and I feel like as a gay man I should know. call it a right of passage if you will. anyway my new pipe is working for me pretty well which would explain this rambling post. I am obcessed with reading blogs so leave me a comment so I can read yours! ttyl!