pipes and vibrators.

im not a big fan of censorship. I feel like cencorship is taking away our first amendment freedom. The reason im saying this is because this post is not gonna be cencored. this is your warning haha.

this whole new me started when they hired this new girl at work. we will call her girlfriend. the reason im calling her this is because I swear this bitch thinks I am her boyfriend! I have news for you hunny, I don't like what you have to offer. it all started as a simple invite to go hott tubing. I was extremely hesitant because im not in model shape and also because of my f-in anxiety disorder. she talked me into it and a few cups of wine later I had found my new favorite activity. I get to get drunk sitting with a bunch of half naked straight men. I have never met so many new people in my whole life. not to mention every time we drink girlfriend thinks its hott to make out! we always go to the bathroom together and every trip she shows me her mother fucking vag. she thinks its hilarious but the disgust is to much for me! don't get me wrong. she is a blast to hang out with but she is the type of person who you have to be drinking to hang out with. anyway, one drunken night in the hott tub she mentions that she wants to get her nose pierced. I have always wanted a piercing but im a chicken. the bitch talked me into piercing my tongue! ladies and gentleman my tongue is pierced! its the weirdest feeling in the whole world. its very very sore at the moment but im told in the end its worth it.

the tux shop is very good about taking care of us. since prom season is over the big boss gave us all bonuses! kaaaching! stonergirl and I went to blow a good chunk of it today. we went to book stores, Hastings, and even the local smoke shop where I purchased my second pipe. my first one, dr. phil, was cheap so it was time to upgrade! im not sure what to name it yet. any suggestions? after I blew 100 bucks in the smoke shop I jokingly said lets go buy vibrators now. stonergirl wasn't gonna take no for an answer on that one. we picked out a very discreet store where we knew they had them. I was expecting to walk in a black light room and see a bunch of middle aged fat men wearing sunglasses. I was wrong. there were two girls sittng at a front desk wearing next to nothing. when they asked if they could help us stonergirl pushed me out to the counter. keep in mind I just had my tongue pierced so this next statement came out a like a 7 year old boy with a studder. all I could say was toys. haha she took us into this room and open this closet door. I have never seen so many rubber dicks in my life! after glancing at the ipod charging vibrator, the pickle, and the hello kitty vibrator I say something interesting towards the back. it looked just like a butterfinger bar but it said "better than a finger" haha it was a perfect little tiny vibrator. I bought it and some lube. I have never done any experimenting with anal at all so im very nervous. I got it for two reasons. 1) when I do lose my v card I want my flower (yes my flower) to be prepared.2) im curious about what its like and I feel like as a gay man I should know. call it a right of passage if you will. anyway my new pipe is working for me pretty well which would explain this rambling post. I am obcessed with reading blogs so leave me a comment so I can read yours! ttyl!

i was nineteen.

i am extremly relaxed right now. Im sitting in my dark living room stoned with candles lit listening to tegan and sara. does it get much better than this? I dont think so. Does anybody remember the guy i met on the dating site? (I would put a link to the blog about him but I dont really know how to do that.) Anyway, we stopped talking around the time that I went on the horrible date with the 33 year old. That creeper kinda ruined me on guys for awhile so therefor I stopped talking to sexyeyes (that is what I have named the online guy.) Well since i have started going to therapy and dealing with a lot of my issues I decided that i missed sexyeyes. I sent him a myspace message apologizing for not talking to him and he accepted. He is extremly sweet and I feel a real connection with him. I really think he has boyfriend material. Thats not like me to say that. I usually freak out when it comes to being serious. Anyway, at the end of the summer it wouldnt be long distance because where I am moving is only like ten minutes away from where he lives. So far everything is starting to fall into place.

As the big move gets closer I have such mixed emotions. Part of me is sooo excited that I can't see straight. I feel like I will be truly on my own for the first time. Where i am now is only an hour away from home so I cant really be openly gay. Its not that I am scared people from my hometown will know, but because i want my grandparents to hear it from me first and nobody else. I just have to learn more about me before I am ready to tell them. Anyway, when i move i can be gay openly and everywhere. I swear sometimes I swear I hate Texas though. I do not understand how in the world I have lived here for the last 20 years (as if i had a choice). I am really random tonight. sooo yeah I am scared to move because I will be on my own and I have never lived that far from family all alone before. Time is something I cant grasp. I have been out of high school for two whole years now and I feel like an adult. Its weird for me. does everybody feel this way?

its been awhile...

therapy has taken the spot of blogging. i know, i know thats awful and i really should write more but everything that i usually want to get out gets out in therapy.

about two months ago i went to eat lunch with my wonderful grandmother when she asked if I was depressed. I told her that i had my good and bad days but there was nothing to worry about. she handed me this card with a dr's name on it, and right below that was a time and date. she had already made me the appointment. I was really hesitant at first. I am not one to openly admit my weaknesses in front of a complete stranger. the day of my first appointment i was terrified. I did not really know what to expect. I had only been to therapy once before in my life and that was family therapy (back when my mom was sober). Individual therapy is a lot different. I sit on this big brown leather couch and talk about me for an hour straight. Turns out that i have an anxiety disorder. I am really starting to enjoy the therapy however. It really has help me become more and more comfortable with myself. I still dont know how to feel about my parents but thats a whole nother post in itself. My therapist is a gorgeous lady in her mid 40s. My grandmother must not have known this (or did she?) but the DR actually wrote her thesis on homosexuality. She is an incredibly understanding person.

I have been working at a tuxedo shop for about two months now, and so far I still love it. The people i work with are amazing, but very odd at the same time. It seems the longer I work there the more secrets come out. Its very strange actually. I am just waiting on somebody to tell me that its all a joke. Anywhere from past mafia members, multiple abortions, to a sixteen year old girl asking me why she was attracted to women. its actually kind of entertaining.

at the end of the summer I will be moving! I can't wait to get out of this conservative little city. I feel like good things will come out of this. birdboy moved out three days ago and surprisingly I am taking it a lot better this time around. I pretty much told him before he left that he meant a lot to me and that if he ignored my txts or phone calls i would hate him forever. He has called twice since he left just to talk. as the semester went on it turned out that I didnt really have as many feelings for him as i thought. as a matter of fact he actually became a little annoying. I am pretty sure he has a problem with stealing things though because my ipod is missing. ass!

i am out of details right now but now that school is out I promise to write more. until next time.

close your eyes.

I havent blogged in awhile and I am terribly sorry for that (i like to think i was missed). I have been dying, quite literally actually. I have come down with some terrible awful viral infection. I really didnt think I was going to survive this thing. I have never been so sick in my life! I went to the doctor this last thursday and he had no clue what was wrong with me. They took a bunch of tests and we will know hopfully what has been going on tomorrow if the results get in. The good thing about getting sick is that there is no other way to go but up. Now that I am feeling better I am a lot more appreciative of life. I know that sounds awfully corny, but its true. When I was sick it was either the couch or the bathroom and the pain was awful. Now that I can leave the house and enjoy the day outside I realize that my life could be wayyyyy worse than I really think it is sometimes. It almost makes me feel untouchable, like I could jump off of my roof and fly.

How was everybodys valentines day? Mine was really good. I spent the day jumping from friends houses to friends houses. Birdboy asked if him and Megabitch (his gf) could have the house to themselves. I was really pissed off about the request but being the nice caring person I am I agreed. SO my vday was spent with the people I love the most. My bffs. Blondgirl and I went shopping and ate lunch together. Later in the day I went over to stonergirls house and we got incredibly stoned and played wii bowling, tennis, golf, and baseball for six hours straight. Then we busted out the rock band. I of course was lead vocals haha. I cant carry a tune to save my life but I am def a performer. We laughed and laughed until 5 am this morning.

I plan on finding a job tomorrow. I have been unemployeed since November 23rd and my grandparents are getting pretty pissed of at me. I am excited to have some money of my own and get to go out every once in a while. Not to mention getting a job will change my current lazy life. I love change. Anyway, I had some extra time today so I thought I would write a little something. Have a great week!

creeper.

I am watching a specail on TLC about the man who is pregnant. I honestly can say that sometimes I hate our society. This man is a man just like me. He may not be a man all the way yet, but in his mental state thats exactly what he is. People are so mean. Can we please just let americans live their lives the way they want? I mean is that not what our country is all about? It just really pisses me off.

Anyway, so last night I went on the date with the 33 year old last night. I was very hesistant about his because of how creepy he was the night before. From the moment he picked me up till the moment he dropped me off i was creeped out. The man went on and on about his dogs who he kept constantly refering to as his "kids" and he kept petting me. You know, rubbing my leg, my arm, the back of my head. The whole situation just creeped me out. When he dropped me off I just told him there was no spark, which is the nice way of saying, "dude, you creep me the fuck out." So I think that I have a new rule, no more dating older men i met on myspace. For some reason, i regret the whole situation. Something good has came out of the situation however. I have realized that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I have always been taught that you have to learn to be alone before you can learn to be with somebody else. That is exactly what I am doing. I am learning who i am and who i want to be. Learning to love myself, one day at a time.

until next time.

poker face.

i have a confession. I go to myspace and stalk all the gay people in the city i live in. I just want to see whats out there. Anyway, I was doing this when i came upon this guys page. He was nice looking, seemed to be a nice guy, and I was attracted to him. I awkwardly sent him a message telling him i ran upon his page and thought he was cute. He immediatly sent me a message back saying that he thought the same about me. We exchanged numbers and texted for a couple of days. He asked me to a movie with him and I of course said yes. Anyway, I got birdboy out of the house for the night and told him he could come over a little before the movie so we could visit. I was so nervous so I decided to treat myself to a few glasses of wine before he got here. We talked for about an hour and I was already wasted. We started making out and ended up hooking up and completly missed the movie. haha anyway in the heat of the moment he says, "will you be my boyfriend?" and "move in with me" and " it would be amazing to wake up to you ever morning"

HOLD UP. BRAKES.

i calmy explained to him that he was moving at the speed of light and i had only really known him for a couple of hours (i know we hooked up.). He apologized. Did I mention he is 33? I think i forgot to mention that. Anyway, the night ended with me sending a blank text (code for get me the fuck out of here) to slutgirl and her calling me and telling me she has just been in a wreck (lie) and I went to a party with her and got trashedwastedface. We are going to see the movie tonight. I am going to tell him to slow the fuck down. I shouldnt probably even be doing this but its fun to be wanted. 33? he looks young for his age. what does age have to do with anything anyway. I promise i dont have some wierd old man fetish. I cringed at even typing that. I guess we will just have to see what happens.

until next time.