close your eyes.

I havent blogged in awhile and I am terribly sorry for that (i like to think i was missed). I have been dying, quite literally actually. I have come down with some terrible awful viral infection. I really didnt think I was going to survive this thing. I have never been so sick in my life! I went to the doctor this last thursday and he had no clue what was wrong with me. They took a bunch of tests and we will know hopfully what has been going on tomorrow if the results get in. The good thing about getting sick is that there is no other way to go but up. Now that I am feeling better I am a lot more appreciative of life. I know that sounds awfully corny, but its true. When I was sick it was either the couch or the bathroom and the pain was awful. Now that I can leave the house and enjoy the day outside I realize that my life could be wayyyyy worse than I really think it is sometimes. It almost makes me feel untouchable, like I could jump off of my roof and fly.

How was everybodys valentines day? Mine was really good. I spent the day jumping from friends houses to friends houses. Birdboy asked if him and Megabitch (his gf) could have the house to themselves. I was really pissed off about the request but being the nice caring person I am I agreed. SO my vday was spent with the people I love the most. My bffs. Blondgirl and I went shopping and ate lunch together. Later in the day I went over to stonergirls house and we got incredibly stoned and played wii bowling, tennis, golf, and baseball for six hours straight. Then we busted out the rock band. I of course was lead vocals haha. I cant carry a tune to save my life but I am def a performer. We laughed and laughed until 5 am this morning.

I plan on finding a job tomorrow. I have been unemployeed since November 23rd and my grandparents are getting pretty pissed of at me. I am excited to have some money of my own and get to go out every once in a while. Not to mention getting a job will change my current lazy life. I love change. Anyway, I had some extra time today so I thought I would write a little something. Have a great week!

creeper.

I am watching a specail on TLC about the man who is pregnant. I honestly can say that sometimes I hate our society. This man is a man just like me. He may not be a man all the way yet, but in his mental state thats exactly what he is. People are so mean. Can we please just let americans live their lives the way they want? I mean is that not what our country is all about? It just really pisses me off.

Anyway, so last night I went on the date with the 33 year old last night. I was very hesistant about his because of how creepy he was the night before. From the moment he picked me up till the moment he dropped me off i was creeped out. The man went on and on about his dogs who he kept constantly refering to as his "kids" and he kept petting me. You know, rubbing my leg, my arm, the back of my head. The whole situation just creeped me out. When he dropped me off I just told him there was no spark, which is the nice way of saying, "dude, you creep me the fuck out." So I think that I have a new rule, no more dating older men i met on myspace. For some reason, i regret the whole situation. Something good has came out of the situation however. I have realized that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I have always been taught that you have to learn to be alone before you can learn to be with somebody else. That is exactly what I am doing. I am learning who i am and who i want to be. Learning to love myself, one day at a time.

until next time.

poker face.

i have a confession. I go to myspace and stalk all the gay people in the city i live in. I just want to see whats out there. Anyway, I was doing this when i came upon this guys page. He was nice looking, seemed to be a nice guy, and I was attracted to him. I awkwardly sent him a message telling him i ran upon his page and thought he was cute. He immediatly sent me a message back saying that he thought the same about me. We exchanged numbers and texted for a couple of days. He asked me to a movie with him and I of course said yes. Anyway, I got birdboy out of the house for the night and told him he could come over a little before the movie so we could visit. I was so nervous so I decided to treat myself to a few glasses of wine before he got here. We talked for about an hour and I was already wasted. We started making out and ended up hooking up and completly missed the movie. haha anyway in the heat of the moment he says, "will you be my boyfriend?" and "move in with me" and " it would be amazing to wake up to you ever morning"

HOLD UP. BRAKES.

i calmy explained to him that he was moving at the speed of light and i had only really known him for a couple of hours (i know we hooked up.). He apologized. Did I mention he is 33? I think i forgot to mention that. Anyway, the night ended with me sending a blank text (code for get me the fuck out of here) to slutgirl and her calling me and telling me she has just been in a wreck (lie) and I went to a party with her and got trashedwastedface. We are going to see the movie tonight. I am going to tell him to slow the fuck down. I shouldnt probably even be doing this but its fun to be wanted. 33? he looks young for his age. what does age have to do with anything anyway. I promise i dont have some wierd old man fetish. I cringed at even typing that. I guess we will just have to see what happens.

until next time.

whats the matter mary jane?

i absolutly love my government class. the professor is completly crazy. I never know whats gonna come out of the mans mouth. Anyway, today we talked about the legalization of marijuana. I would like to rant on what we leared today.

I would like to start off by saying that at one point and time I was anti-weed. I was never gonna try it. Well, thanks to dizzy i tried it and LOVED ITTT! I am now an official pot head lol. I own my own pipe and birdboy keeps us supplied with the weed. I have never been happier. Sometimes when we are stoned I think to myself, damn these are the moments that I will remember forever. Not to mention i am a way better student stoned. I can sit down and write a three page paper in no time with the help of mary jane. ok but back to what i learned in government.

40,000 people die every year from tobacco.
30,000 people die every year from second hand smoke
more that 50,000 people die every year due to alcohol.
30 people die a year due to toilets!
less than 5 people die a year because of weed.

you heard me right. you are more likely to either get out of the shower, fall and hit you head on the toilet or pass out drunk and drown in toilet water than you are to die from weed. and get this. there are some alcohols out there that if you took a shot a minute you would be dead in 15 minutes. you would literally have to smoke a ton of weed to die. We also learned that in the state of Texas a prison hold 96 prisoners out of 100 beds. Everytime we send somebody to jail for selling or possesing weed then they have to let somebody out to have a bed open. 95% percent of the time its a violent crime offender or sex offender. They would rather let somebody who is dangerous to the public out of jail to put somebody who honestly, did nothing wrong. I agree that weed is/could be a gateway drug but its all about knowing your limits. There are somethings out there I would like to try, and may someday buttttttttt I know my limits and I know when to stop. also, just think if they did legalize it they could tax it. maybe that would give us some more money for the 10.6 trillion dollars we arein debt.

just a little something for you to think about. =]

prayers for bobby.

i want to come out. i want to come out soon. i am terrified though. literally scared to the point that every time i think about doing it tears fall from my eyes. i love my family to death, more than anything in the whole world. I have a very fucked up family. As you may know I was raised by my grandparents because my parents were very ill equipted, and when i say that i mean that they were addicts. My mom and my grandmother havent really spoken in years. The point of that statement is that my grandparents were there for me when my parents werent. They took me in and gave me stability, love, hope, and made me believe that i was possible of doing anything. i dont want to dissapoint them. My biggest fear is that they will be so dissapointed that they wont speak to me. I dont want to lose my family.

My grandmother told me the other day, "There is nothing I hate more in this world than when somebody can look me in the eye and lie to me." That is exactly what I am doing. I am looking her straight (no pun intended) in the eye and telling her that I am interested in woman when she asks about my love life. I am deceiving her. Not only her but the rest of my family and my friends. What should i do? Should i just sit her down and be like "I'm queer and I'm here so get over it.?" How do i even handle this situation? I want to be me. I want to live my life the way i am happiest, gay. I have been having dreams that i am having sex in front of my family members. In one of my dreams my sister told me, "your gay and thats what i love most about you" weird huh? I love my family and I want them to enjoy my happiness with me but how can I if i am so scared? oh my gosh what do i do? I cant live my life like this anymore. help

the blonder the better.

i am sitting here drunk right now. drunk and alone haha im an alcoholic apparently. anyway, i got drunk for a reason. a couple of weeks ago i dared into the online dating experience. i was nervous at first, but i knew that if it worked for some people it could work for me. i have exchanged lots of emails and chats but none really stood out for me. for the most part these guys were looking for a quick screw. like i have said before, thats not what i am looking for right now. anyway did meet a guy who seemed generally nice. I havent decided what to call him yet, but it turns out that we have a lot in common. I gave him my number and we have been texting a lot these last couple of days. about six today he told me he wanted to call me tonight. i freaked out, i have just a touch of anxiety disorder when it comes to meeting new people, much less a complete stranger from the internet that could possibly be the next mr. justaguy. wait, thats a lie i want my partners last name. haha anyway, he calls and we talk for a good twenty minutes. he is about to call me back and im actually really excited. i dont know why but he seems like a good match for me. but dont get your hopes up, dear reader. I will probably blog in about a week and say some bullshit like oh it just didnt work out. you should know the drill by now.

i had a guy tell me earlier this week that homosexuality was a mental disorder. he didnt know im gay. that was like a fucking knife going through my heart? who the fuck does he think he is. he is mentally ill for thinking that.

until next time.

love is free.

i havent blogged in a while. dont know why really, i would have all of this stuff i would think of and then as soon as i sat down it would all be gone. poof blank head. haha how weird is it to have a new president. we have had the same prez since i was 11 years old! I am soo excited for obama will do for our country. I believe what he has to say and maybe just maybe make gay marraige legal!

i suppose some of you (if there are any readers out there) are wondering what its like to live with the imfamous birdboy. first of all, let me just tell you that when he got here i realized something. i was not as in love with him as i thought i was. i guess bc he has been gone so long and i hadnt seen him i built him up to be something a lot bigger than he really was. it was a big relief. living with him is really easy. he is hardly ever home and when he is we just sit on the couch and get stoned and watch brad pitt (birdboys self claimed husband) movies. he looks at porn on my laptop. did i mention that? he has some weird taste sexually. first off there was girls in it. thats not normal haha i met somebody on the post secret blog that had the same situation i did and we talked about it for a while through txts. we decided the best thing to do is prepare for the worst but expect the best. that thought really has helped a lot.

school started for me today and i already wanna cry. i am taking algebra for the 5th time and i think i may scream. math is just not my subject nor will it ever be. and why do i need math for my career? a news anchor (thats what i want to be fyi) will never need math. ever. i have been having weird sex dreams about stonergirls roommate. he isnt that bad looking but he is almost 30 and probably disease infested. lol

as far as the whole "no sex until a relationship" thing. the oppurtunity hasnt really arised for me latly so therefor, i havent got to turn anybody down.

until next time.