i heart lesbians!

last night I went to stoner girls house and met one of her ear friends from high school. meggy is what we will call her. I was super droned (drunk and stoned) when all of the men leave the room. meggy turns to me and confesses that she is a lezbian. I love her! she freaking is amazing. anyway, she is married but currently has the sweetest gf ever. lol we laughed and laughed. she wants me to go gay clubbin tonight but I am going camping with my graduating class. anyway im gonna get some hott football player ass!

its our decision to live fast and die young.

i feel for a girl. one with a vag in case you were wondering. baybay is her name. well not really but now. i am supper stoned by the way. so anyway, i meet her think she would be good to use to take home so my family doesnt worry. next thing i know i am thinking about her a lot and when we txt i smile everytime (i mean everytime) i receive a new message from her. puppy love. i feel hardcore. i asked her to be my girlfriend and she agrees. happiest 24 hours of my life. next night i went out with country girl. we all now how i like to get trashed and dance untill i cant dance anymore. i get a text that says, "im not ready" bitch broke my heart. a girl! i was finally comfortable with who i was and this chick comes around and makes me second guess. she isnt ready? ugh. next day we talk and decide that we shouldnt be bf and gf so soon. we both admitted that we were crazy for each other. as of now we are still dating...or seeing each other as she put it. everytime i see her she tells me how crazy she is about me. at work she spends my shift with me. i really wanna liek her and experience a relationship first hand but honestly i cant be hurt. heartache is awful and i would rather die than go through that. seriously. it fucking sucks. i dont any part of it at all. anyway, what do i do? do i let myself experience the magical thing they call love or do i just play it safe. is it really worth it? ohh my goodness? why am i so late finding this stuff out? this is third grade for most kids.

another story, my dad keeps talking ot my sister and not me. i mean not word to me for a year but every night to her. why? her REAL dad is meeting her for the first time 2morrow. i want to tell my dad so bad so he will be hurt. i would love it. birdboy is moving back. im excited but i realize things will never be the same. seriously. everybody keeps tell me he shares the feelings it was obvious and when he gets back we will eventually be together ( says stonergirl) i dont know. i know that after i have met somebody i will never be able to be alone again. which really sucks. i liked being alone. has anybody read twighlight? awesome. ok now im being random. i am so confused.

ugh school and work together suck. i really need to go sleep.

untill next time.

to be or not to be

its 6 am and i cant sleep. just when i was a little bit comfortable with who i am. (gay) a girl comes along. it all started out as a blind date. it was slutgirl who decided we would be a perfect match. i only agreed bc slut doesnt know i am gay and i thought it couldnt hurt. well, i was expecting a fat girl who wasnt that pretty. when i walked in the room i was blown away. she was gorgeous. we spent the whole night talking about each other. likes and dislikes. i am more confused than ever.

help

im not unfaithful but ill stray.

i dont even know where to start with this one. seriously.

ok so anyway, i got a tattoo! on my ass. its a peace sign and i love it. me and one of my good friends. i like to call her slutgirl got matching tats. i have always wanted one but i have always been way to scared. before we went i was soo scared. i was shaking. anyway we ended up being there for four hours. i met some really interesting people. my tattoo artist told me his life story. i love it when people tell me there life stories. i have a disease where people just spill their hearts out to me. he is very dom in bed. he likes to beat girls. i was a little freaked when he told me that. there was also this couple there. they were both getting tats. the wifes was on her lower back. three stars. she screamed when they were doin it. scared me half to death. the husband got them on the back of his arms. there 2 year old son was there. he just ran around like crazy and everything you said to him he would just respond with a simple 2. it was great. anyway, let me just tell you that tats hurt like hell. although, when your done its an amazing rush. i would do it again in a heart beat. its something everybody has to do at least once in their life.

the second thing i would like to talk about is the time i did coke in the office of a tanning salon with a model. haha ok so designerboy is quiting work because he just got signed with a agent and is moving. i worked with him the other day and asked him if he had smoked any mj latly and he said no he had been to coked out latly. i was shocked. he saw the look on my face and said you have never done it?? i explained him that im terrified to try anything but mj. long story short. he peer pressured me into trying it. we went back into the office and i tried a little bit. it didnt even take effect on me. just so you know this is nothing like me. i absolutly am not that person. not even a little bit. i just think its funny that i tried coke with a model at work. remember that is not me.

what have i become. a coke doing tattoo getting person???? lol


so i met this guy. we will call him scratchguy. i met him through a friend of a friend. something was fishy about this guy. we hung out once and decided that we werent couple material (thank god. ugly as fuck) we decided to be really good friends. well anyway, two nights ago we were at the mutual friends house when he starts sendin me all of these dirty texts. keep in mind he is sittin right next to me. ewww. i put him in his place. a lot about this guy didnt make sense. we (the friend and i) caught him in tons of lies. anyway, this morning he called and said im moving bye. we are pretty sure he was running from the law. he was in town 3 weeks. weird huh.

in other news. we find out what my sis is having tomorrow. im super excited. umm countrygirl and i are def besties but she is clingy. and tonight im smokin some mj with stonergirl and i am super excited!! yayy!

until next time.

My night in a nutshell

Ohhh em gee. Ok so i needed to go out so badly. going out is my drug. i love to get a good buzz and go dance. i dont know why but i love it so much. well, i talked asain girl into going out with me tonight to the local gay club. asaingirl and i arent close at all so i thought it might be awkward. it totally wasnt. we went to a prepart at designerboys house. a blast. there were gay people everywhere which i loved. anyway we drank a lot. i mean ALOT. lol it was a blast. i normally hate designerboy. i mean he pretty much stole my man. anyway, when im drunk he is wayyy more fun. so asain girl had 2 smirnoffs and a shot of vodka. we go to the club and dance the fucking night away. i mean we danced like no other. ran into old friends and had a blast! asain girl told me she was hot so we went outside to sit on the balcony. im sitting there having a blast just chillen. im talking to my new bestfriend (dont remember her name) and then BOOM! asain girl is on the floor. i mean passed the fuck out. gone. out cold. she was dead weight. she passed out hard core. picture it. drag queens screaming "ohhh girl you had to much" lol i call designerboy over and he is like lets get her out of here. about that time the staff comes over and is like you need to get her out of here.

Me "well, duh"
Staff "how did she get so drunk she is a minor"
Me " uhhh pre party duhhh"
Staff " yall need to leave. get out of here now"

lol i cant believe i said that. vodka is soo much fun. lol anyway, she cant walk so i throw that tiny asain over my shoulder and carried her outside. when we got outside i ask her if she can stand up and she says yeah. i sit her down and she falls on the pavement. the whole balcony can see us and is like oohhhhhhh! about this time i get pissed and throw the bitch over my shoulder agian and the whole balcony i mean like fifty people are screaming yayyyyy! you go boy! lol i carry to the truck and drive her home. her dad is strict so i put her on the doorstep and ring the doorbell. what was i supposed to do? dizzy i hope your lovin this! lol hahahaha i cant believe that happened! what a night. never let a tiny asain take shots of vodka. seriously. anywhoooo im gonna go watch colin farrells sex tape.

unitl next time.

lets just leave and not tell a soul goodbye.

i did it. i had sex with downgrade. well, let me stick up for myself. it totally wasnt sober sex. it wasnt even sex at all really. just plain ol everything but. when i woke up this morning i was like wtf. i didnt stay the night, i knew i couldnt wake up like that. for some reason that i dont know i regreted it. i mean, it wasnt bad sex at all. and he isnt that bad looking. well kinda. before i left i told him that i didnt want him telling anybody until i could tell countrygirl ( we have gotten really close) he agreed and told me that he would txt me tommorrow. on my way home i got a text and it said " lets not tell anybody about this until we know its what we want." then i was really like wtf? what we want?? i am def not good with relationships. i am the worlds worst. i just agreed and decided what i needed was sleep. i am kinda scared i mean do i have a fuck buddy now?

last thursday, countrygirl and i went to the local country club. i was dancing the night away, which is what i do best, when i felt somebody tap me on the shoulder. i looked up and was speechless. it was my first cousin on my dads side. you should know my father has abandoned me more than once in my life. it was so awkward. what am i supposed to say. we said hello and did a fifteen second catch up session and went our own way. three hours later and like 5 shots of vodka later we went to whataburger. guess who was there. yep unknowncousin himself. in my drunkeness i asked him where my dad was. i found out that my dad has lived in the same town as me for the last three months. not a phone call nothing. i gave him my number and told him to tell my dad to call me. i dont like my dad but i would still like to have one. my dad never called. it sucks because when i thought about it. my own father doesnt want to talk to me. what an ass.

my life in general right now is the fact that i am trapt. at least thats what i feel. i miss birdboy. the memories are less and less. but they are still there. my sister decided not to have the test done. she said that she didnt care what happened she wanted to keep him/her. i am so excited. vacation is comin up. yay for me. anyway, i love wine. its the best.

until next time.

life is now or never

i have the most emotional man alive latly. call it a man period if you wish. i dont even know where to start on this one. i hate what im about to write. i hate not being happy. i guess we will start off with family drama. i talked to my mom this week, for the first time since april. of course she tried to make me feel bad about how my life was better than hers. sucks i know. maybe if she laid off the men and meth she would have what i have. anyway, we still dont know if my sisters baby has downsyndrom, but mom said if it did there was a good chance she wouldnt keep it. she told me this as i was telling her about 30 dollar pair of shoes i just bought my future niece/nephew. we find out tomorrow what sissy is having. i personally cant wait.

latly, i have been hating my life. which really i hate my job. bitch, bitch, bitch. thats all i ever hear. hey you did this wrong. oh and this. and did i mention this. pretty much you never do anything right. i dont wanna get a new job because i dont want to have to start over new somewhere else. however, i do want to start completly over. change my name, my life, my hair color. be somebody else thats completly different. the song is "boston" by augustana. i love that song. i hate this feeling though. the feeling of unsatisfaction. i am lonely. i want somebody to go home to. somebody to love me. again, realize i hate writing stuff like this. i hate showing emotions.

today at work i was bored. i spent 6 hours on this website reading about other peoples lives. creating what they looked like in my head. their likes and dislikes. its was like my own little world. then a customer would come in and i would be forced to come back to the real world. shit. i need to cheer up. i hate unhappiness. its pathetic. and also, i need to get laid. i am so sick of temporaryness. (however you may spell that) ugh whatever moving on.

country girl and i getting closer. weird i know. gossipgirl is pissed. i stole her bestie. thats what you get bitch. anyway, birdboy has dissapeared completly. i saw on his facebook that he was in a relationship. good for him. just to let him know. once a cheater always a cheater. and oh have you heard. lindsay lohan is gay. we could get married and have an open relationship. awesome! anyway, i took a sleeping pill and i need my beauty sleep. im getting really drunk and dancing my ass of tomorow night.

until next time.