oh uh.

stoner girl is my absolute best friend. I don't talk about her enough on here. this weekend stonergirl and i's lesbian best bff came into town. it was also my last weekend in town. of course every night we get fucked up and go to whatever club is having gay night. im a pothead so im not really much of a going out type of person these days so for me to do it three nights in a row is crazy! tonight we went and I danced my ass off, had a three way make out session with my lez bff and some stranger we met in the bathroom (i know, where's the boys right?), and had a blast! one thing though, at the end of the night stonergirl disapears. one of our mutual friends comes up to me to tell me that she has been in the bathroom doing coke. I was pissed, scared, and shocked. we have been best friends for the last year and a half and we had our first fight. it was awful and I hated it. when we parted ways I was so scared. I had never felt so alone. the one person I wanted to tell my favorite parts of the night I couldn't talk to. I felt alone. we are absolutly fine now. I went home smoked a bowl and texted her. its all out of the way now. did I mention that this was a two hour time frame? im to drunk to type. damn sangria.

the only thing that stays the same is everything changes

I just read dizzys (love you to!) last post and it made me start to wonder how long its been since I started blogging. its been a little over a year for me also! I just have one question, where the hell has this year gone? time is always something that has always facinated me. I can't grasp the concept. one minute your life is one way but in a single moment it can all be different. nothing has stayed the same for me in the last year. when I first started blogging I had just found out that my 17 year old sister was pregnant. at the time I was only selfishly thinking of my sister. wondering if she could handle it, would she be ok? in two weeks my niece will be 8 months old. I didn't realize until I held my niece for the first time that there was a life involved. my worries back then seem so pointless. my sister has turned out to be a wonderful mother! another thing that has drastically changed is my relationship with birdboy. I mentioned him in one of my first blogs. at the time at I had some major feelings for the guy. when he left for that semester I painted this picture in my head of this super hero. well, when he moved back and we started living together my perception totally changed. even though he still makes me smile any time im in contact with him and he knows just the right things to say to let me knows he cares (without being to gay) I just don't feel the same about him. now he is more like an extremely good friend. when I look back to when he left the first time I feel so juvenile about the way I handled it. my view on life has changed drastically in the last year. as you may or may not have gotten from my blogs I suffered a grueling 4 months of deep depression. if you have never been depressed its hard to grasp what its like. those cymbalta sommercials barely touch on the subject. I had basically locked myself in my apartment and never ever left. I went an entire week without ever leaving the couch. I never even admitted to myself that I was depressed until I started going to counseling. I have also overcome a big part of my anxiety disorder. therapy has helped me so much. in the last year I have also gotten a lot gayer, if that's even possible. Here's to the next year! may it be the best and most unforgetable of our lives!

why??

why do I do this? I always tell myself in the beginng to stop myself. quit that feeling I get in my gut. its out of my reach. nothing I can ever do will give me that satisfaction. no matter how many times I tell myself no I still push it closer and closer. why?

ohh the possibilities....

I travled to the town im moving to three days ago. I loved it the moment pulled in. its so different than where I am now. there are trees and squirels! the girl im moving with is super sweet, although she is extremely conservative. we toured the campus and searched endlessly for apartments. just when we were ready to give up we found the perfect one. it was right in our price range, close to campus, and it has a gorgeous balcony facing a wooded area! I plan to have a lot of potted plants and bird feeders. it really feels like things are falling into place! im actually doing this. I move in two months and I absolutly can't wait!

pipes and vibrators.

im not a big fan of censorship. I feel like cencorship is taking away our first amendment freedom. The reason im saying this is because this post is not gonna be cencored. this is your warning haha.

this whole new me started when they hired this new girl at work. we will call her girlfriend. the reason im calling her this is because I swear this bitch thinks I am her boyfriend! I have news for you hunny, I don't like what you have to offer. it all started as a simple invite to go hott tubing. I was extremely hesitant because im not in model shape and also because of my f-in anxiety disorder. she talked me into it and a few cups of wine later I had found my new favorite activity. I get to get drunk sitting with a bunch of half naked straight men. I have never met so many new people in my whole life. not to mention every time we drink girlfriend thinks its hott to make out! we always go to the bathroom together and every trip she shows me her mother fucking vag. she thinks its hilarious but the disgust is to much for me! don't get me wrong. she is a blast to hang out with but she is the type of person who you have to be drinking to hang out with. anyway, one drunken night in the hott tub she mentions that she wants to get her nose pierced. I have always wanted a piercing but im a chicken. the bitch talked me into piercing my tongue! ladies and gentleman my tongue is pierced! its the weirdest feeling in the whole world. its very very sore at the moment but im told in the end its worth it.

the tux shop is very good about taking care of us. since prom season is over the big boss gave us all bonuses! kaaaching! stonergirl and I went to blow a good chunk of it today. we went to book stores, Hastings, and even the local smoke shop where I purchased my second pipe. my first one, dr. phil, was cheap so it was time to upgrade! im not sure what to name it yet. any suggestions? after I blew 100 bucks in the smoke shop I jokingly said lets go buy vibrators now. stonergirl wasn't gonna take no for an answer on that one. we picked out a very discreet store where we knew they had them. I was expecting to walk in a black light room and see a bunch of middle aged fat men wearing sunglasses. I was wrong. there were two girls sittng at a front desk wearing next to nothing. when they asked if they could help us stonergirl pushed me out to the counter. keep in mind I just had my tongue pierced so this next statement came out a like a 7 year old boy with a studder. all I could say was toys. haha she took us into this room and open this closet door. I have never seen so many rubber dicks in my life! after glancing at the ipod charging vibrator, the pickle, and the hello kitty vibrator I say something interesting towards the back. it looked just like a butterfinger bar but it said "better than a finger" haha it was a perfect little tiny vibrator. I bought it and some lube. I have never done any experimenting with anal at all so im very nervous. I got it for two reasons. 1) when I do lose my v card I want my flower (yes my flower) to be prepared.2) im curious about what its like and I feel like as a gay man I should know. call it a right of passage if you will. anyway my new pipe is working for me pretty well which would explain this rambling post. I am obcessed with reading blogs so leave me a comment so I can read yours! ttyl!

i was nineteen.

i am extremly relaxed right now. Im sitting in my dark living room stoned with candles lit listening to tegan and sara. does it get much better than this? I dont think so. Does anybody remember the guy i met on the dating site? (I would put a link to the blog about him but I dont really know how to do that.) Anyway, we stopped talking around the time that I went on the horrible date with the 33 year old. That creeper kinda ruined me on guys for awhile so therefor I stopped talking to sexyeyes (that is what I have named the online guy.) Well since i have started going to therapy and dealing with a lot of my issues I decided that i missed sexyeyes. I sent him a myspace message apologizing for not talking to him and he accepted. He is extremly sweet and I feel a real connection with him. I really think he has boyfriend material. Thats not like me to say that. I usually freak out when it comes to being serious. Anyway, at the end of the summer it wouldnt be long distance because where I am moving is only like ten minutes away from where he lives. So far everything is starting to fall into place.

As the big move gets closer I have such mixed emotions. Part of me is sooo excited that I can't see straight. I feel like I will be truly on my own for the first time. Where i am now is only an hour away from home so I cant really be openly gay. Its not that I am scared people from my hometown will know, but because i want my grandparents to hear it from me first and nobody else. I just have to learn more about me before I am ready to tell them. Anyway, when i move i can be gay openly and everywhere. I swear sometimes I swear I hate Texas though. I do not understand how in the world I have lived here for the last 20 years (as if i had a choice). I am really random tonight. sooo yeah I am scared to move because I will be on my own and I have never lived that far from family all alone before. Time is something I cant grasp. I have been out of high school for two whole years now and I feel like an adult. Its weird for me. does everybody feel this way?

its been awhile...

therapy has taken the spot of blogging. i know, i know thats awful and i really should write more but everything that i usually want to get out gets out in therapy.

about two months ago i went to eat lunch with my wonderful grandmother when she asked if I was depressed. I told her that i had my good and bad days but there was nothing to worry about. she handed me this card with a dr's name on it, and right below that was a time and date. she had already made me the appointment. I was really hesitant at first. I am not one to openly admit my weaknesses in front of a complete stranger. the day of my first appointment i was terrified. I did not really know what to expect. I had only been to therapy once before in my life and that was family therapy (back when my mom was sober). Individual therapy is a lot different. I sit on this big brown leather couch and talk about me for an hour straight. Turns out that i have an anxiety disorder. I am really starting to enjoy the therapy however. It really has help me become more and more comfortable with myself. I still dont know how to feel about my parents but thats a whole nother post in itself. My therapist is a gorgeous lady in her mid 40s. My grandmother must not have known this (or did she?) but the DR actually wrote her thesis on homosexuality. She is an incredibly understanding person.

I have been working at a tuxedo shop for about two months now, and so far I still love it. The people i work with are amazing, but very odd at the same time. It seems the longer I work there the more secrets come out. Its very strange actually. I am just waiting on somebody to tell me that its all a joke. Anywhere from past mafia members, multiple abortions, to a sixteen year old girl asking me why she was attracted to women. its actually kind of entertaining.

at the end of the summer I will be moving! I can't wait to get out of this conservative little city. I feel like good things will come out of this. birdboy moved out three days ago and surprisingly I am taking it a lot better this time around. I pretty much told him before he left that he meant a lot to me and that if he ignored my txts or phone calls i would hate him forever. He has called twice since he left just to talk. as the semester went on it turned out that I didnt really have as many feelings for him as i thought. as a matter of fact he actually became a little annoying. I am pretty sure he has a problem with stealing things though because my ipod is missing. ass!

i am out of details right now but now that school is out I promise to write more. until next time.