eh.

i met a boy. =]

last night my favorite lesbian, meggy, came into town and dragged stonergirl and I out to the drag queen show. we got super stoned before we went so it was def a trip. we met some friends of meggy's up there. Lust and Love is what we will call them. When we first got there meggy would not stop giving me these gross skanky lap dances. gross me out. stonergirl and lust were just chatting away when i realized it wasnt megan rubing her ass all over me. it was lust. he gave some good lap dances! anyway, we sat on the steps to watch the drag show. unfortunatly, love was left standing. him and stonergirl were whispering and i thought i saw stonergirl point to me but i wasnt for sure. i hadnt spoke to love at all that night besides our introduction. i was distracted by a fabulous queen when i felt somebody spread my legs and sit on the step below between my legs. i look down and its love. he kept staring at me randomly throughout the night. he even dance behind me. we sat down and talked about where we were from, being in and out of the closet, and random stuff like that. towards the end of the night he kinda quit paying attention to me. stonergirl says they werent talking bout me. i felt a connection with this guy. i cant explain it but i could. when we left i went to give him a hug and he whispered something that sounded like number. i couldnt be sure so i just nodded my head and walked off. i got his number from meggy. im to scared to text him. what if he doesnt like me and was just drunk? i am so awful at this. could somebody please give me lessons?

holy fuck fuck fuck.

ok so i did it. i fucked up. im drunk off my ass right now. birdboy and i have been texting all night long. anyway, i am drunk, like i said. i asked him to tell me a secret and he told me that him and his gf have been done for the last two months. i was pissed. ok so i realize that i am totally and completly in love with him and as far as i know ( i, among my friends still have our doubts) he is straight. what im ranting about is that i dont fucking get it. he is my roommate and at one time we were best friends. why in the fuck did this mother fucker wait two months to tell me???? anyway in my drukyn rage i texted him this.

your like the best guy friend i have ever had. i was abused by a man and have been scared of men every since. sometimes i think that when it comes to personal stuff you keep me out and i dont get it? why?

no fucking responce. i did it this time huh. i put my foot in my mouth and said something i shouldnt have. he hasnt responded and im freaking the mother fucking fuck out. ahhhhhhhh. ok i need to calm down and just go to sleep i guess. holy fuck what the fuck did i do?

ps dizzy is a great teacher. i played pool with a complete group of stangers and kicked their ass!

walking in a winter wonderland.

I love my grandmother very much. She has a specail place with me. She raised me and I owe everything i am to her. She has seen all of the fucked up things my mom and dad and aunts have done so she automatically assumes that i am following in the same path. She worries about me so much when, honestly i am a pretty good. Well, most of the time haha anyway, i have a funny story. i think its funny at least.

Grandmother: What are you doing?

Me: Watching some old christmas movie. kinda depressing

Grandmother: Why is it so depressing? It is christmas, its supposed to be happy.

Me: Well, growing up I always thought that all adults got to meet santa so i just automatically assumed that when i turned 18 we would miracuosly meet up and like hang out or something.

Grandmoter: Well, there is a good reason yall didnt meet. He isn't real.

Me: What???? SANTA ISNT REAL! ARE YOU BEING SERIOUSSS?

Grandmother: Oh my Lord in Heaven (yes she really says that) Are you drinking? Your drunk right now arent you.

Me: Goodbye Grandmother.

lol i thought it was pretty funny.

kinda like the time my cousin told my aunt that she was the coolest mom in the whole world because she had the same pjs as the toothfairy. haha

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

thats not my name.

i have been reading some of my recent posts and damnnnnn i have been a debbie downer. trust me, thats not me. i am a bad ass mother fucker. i am a blast to be around. i just wanted to let all of yall know that.



i had a random memory yesterday. i was thinking about this time when me and dizzy both worked at that shit hole. she had this book called post secrets. i read the shit out of that book and it was uhhmazing. i became a fan on facebook of the book and there was this post where you could put your number and people randomly text you their secrets. i posted my number and damn you guys. there are some fucked up people out there. haha i love it. secrets fasinate me.



school is over thank god! damn this was a shitty semester. i am looking forward to the next one though. i have decided im gonna make it amazing and i am gonna rock it. Mr. Amazing and I have really hit it off. he is cool. he is out of town for the break though. i wonder if things will change when birdboy comes home?



ohemgee. i havent told yall about this. i am an uncle. my sister had her baby. she is adorable and stole my heart the moment i saw her. the only girl that will ever have my heart. =]



anyway, i was just bored and wanted to update this thing.



until next tim

wow.

dear readers,

do you guys remember the childhood friend of mine (jay) i had a crush on? well he hooked me up with a guy that we will call Mr. Amazing, and that is exactly what he is. he isnt that cute but he will do. i know that sounds awful i dont really know any other way to put it.

Jay "im gonna tell him you want him to go home with you."

Me "i will kill you and you will die."

Jay "haha ok ok"

30 minutes later and 2 glasses of wine....

Me " ok, so do you wanna come home with me?"

Mr. Amazing " sure"

am i slut? i hooked up with a guy on the first date and not only that but i just met him! anyway, i like him. i can smell him. he told me that i was hott and the best "sex" of his life. he said can we do that everyday? haha anyway, we decided to be sex buds and thats it. i think i want more. is it possible to make him decide he wants a relationship. yes, yes. i think i can.

untill next time.

you can pay for school but you cant buy class.

i have been thinking a lot latly. my life has been in such a slump i have no clue what to do with myself. i feel depressed all of the time. which is awful for me. i hate not being happy and feeling weak. i wish i could be this strong person. if you didnt already know my childhood sucked. anywho my mom is way bipolar. like to the extreme. when i was younger we went through a lot (my mom, my sis, and i). when something went wrong i had to be strong for them. it was like i was raising them both, complete role reversal. i would always push the bad to the back and smile and make jokes. unfortunatly, now everything is surfacing and coming at me at once. i am drowning. it all started when i had to drop two of my classes because i was failing and then i got home to realize my puppy had died. it was like everything hit me like a ton of bricks. all i could do was lay in my bed and look at the ceiling. i didnt leave my bed for like twelve hours. the sad thing is that its all in the back of my head now and im smiling and making jokes. i really dont know what to do.

i have been consumed latly in the twilight saga. every waking moment i have my nose is buried in one of those books. i saw the movie tonight and was dissapointed. nothing compared to the book. i think i want to change my career goal. i want to be a writer. i have these stories i play out in my head. every situation has a story. i am more of a free spirit and writing fits.

did i mention i have a little bit of a crush on my childhood friend. there is a twist though. he is actually 100% gay! i know. not my type haha. we are txt buddies and never really hang out. i mean we used to work together for my uncle. thats when we spent 12 hours a day together. he was the first gay person i had ever been around and i totally looked up to him. it was our little secret. anyway, we already discussed the possibilities and friendship is better. he wants me to come to his house tomorrow and watch the game with him and his buddies. says theere will be plenty men for me to choose from. i may be to shy for that though. we will see.

until next time.

ps in exactly one week i will be a uncle!

wtf man wtf

ok. so latly i have hated my life. i decided i needed a change so i gave my two weeks notice at work. i have no clue what im going to do now. that was a total rash decision. Another rash decision. Last night i had nothing to do, yet all of my friends had plans. I knew this girl that lives 3 hours away that slutgirl (the one who introduced me to bay) and i met through my old roommate. she was having a "huge" bday party so we decided to roadtrip. We bought a box of wine to drink on the way. i was driving and got pretty drunk. half way there we hit a deer. scared me half to death and busted my head light. wtf. anywho more the reason to drink some more. 45 minutes later we are getting pulled over by a state trooper. FUCK. luckly, we had just drank the last of the wine and threw it out. the first thing the man says when he walks up to my truck is " who has been drinking?" we deny it off our asses and asks me to step out of the truck. i voluntarily took a breath test. keep in mind that for the last three hours i have been drinking wine. i fucking blew 0000000 on that the test! how the fuck did that happen! then he searches my truck. 3 fucking stolen road signs. luckily, i got a warning he let me go. i am the fucking luckiest man in the whole world. the breathalizer had to have been broken.

birdboy came into town this weekend. he didnt tell me. i saw a pic on his gfs facebook. i asked him and he deny the whole things. the only theory i have is that he is so much in love with me that he didnt want me and his gf in the same room. let me know your theory. keep in mind we are living together and i just moved into our apartment. why wouldnt he want to come see his apartment? weird. i know. soo please, let me know your fucking theory. haha so anyway when we got to the so called party. there was no party. 3 fucking hours, one dead deer, one busted headlight, and a almost arrested gay man. no party. story of my life.

until next time.