goodbye

I know you have all heard me say that the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. That is by far one of my favorite quotes. There is just so much truth to it. My life has changed so much since I started this blog that its unreal. I feel like this blog represents so much negative that has occured in my life. I want to start fresh so that is what I am going to do. I am going to be creating a new blog. A blog where i hold absolutly nothing back. Anyway, I know this is a short goodbye but it doesnt have to be goodbye. If you want to keep reading about what does (or doesnt for lack of a better word) happen in my life email me at justordinaryguy@live.com and i will email you the new link. Thank you so much for all of the support you have given me so far :)

on my own.

Well, I did it. I moved away from home! I packed up everything i owned and moved six hours across the state. My nerves had me absolutly sick the days before I left. I put off packing untill i possibly couldnt wait any longer. I have learned the only way I do things when I'm scared is to just leap. Its kinda like you are about to get into the pool. I believe that it was Mary Katherine Gallager (yes off superstar!) that made that analogy at the beginning of the movie. You can either dip your toes in and test the water first or you can just leap! I tried just dipping my toes in the giant pool we call risk, but i can never get completly in. Therefor, I must leap. Not take any time to think about it, just close my eyes and jump in! I have been here for almost three weeks and it has definatly been bittersweet. I am gettting a little bit of cabin fever sitting in this apartment not knowing many people, but it is good to be away for what was normal. My anxiety hasn't made this move easy. Everything has been really hard for me, including riding the bus to campus. I didnt think i would ever survive that awkward bus ride. The campus difference between my old jr college and the university i'm at now. The UNI is huge with people everywhere. This is going to sound super small town but there are also a lot different cultures everywhere. I like seeing different, but I still feel alone. I need to meet people. I have watched a lot of greys anatomy during the past three weeks, so im full of wonderful Meredith Grey quotes but really sticks out to me know is, "We either embrace change, or we get left behind." I have decided im not getting left behind. I am going to jump into every pool possible. I am going to do the things that scare me the most.


You know, I am a really bad gay guy. I really have no clue what to do, besides loving men, to define me as a gay man. Am i supposed to like fashion? Am i supposed to love to decorate? How should I dress? There is also the thinking that I am just myself, and that me being gay doesn't define me as a whole. I would like to know more about homosexuality, I wanna know our history and know what i should stand for. I need gay friends. I need to know what other gay people are like, to get to know myself (if that makes anything else). This brings up the question, and if you have the answer please let me know, but where does one find the gay community and make gay friends? The movie MILK is awesome and really sparks my interest in gay rights. There is a GLTB group on campus that I plan on attending, if I can get the courage to go alone.

a fork in the road.

my senior year of high school I had seven class periods. four out of the seven teachers were born and raised in my small west texas town. this facinated me, so I asked why they were still there. every single one of them gave me the same answer. once your a small town kid your always a small town kid. from that day forward I promised myself that I was different. I was never a small town kid. of course going to college, I moved to the smallest city I could find right in the middle of the bible belt. not to mention it was only an hours drive from home. in four short days im finally getting out! im moving out of the bible belt to a much bigger city six hours from home. I have never been so scared in my life. my therapist told me that its the things in life that scare us the most that are the most worth it. of course me being this scared only proves that I actually was a small town kid. I am bout to purposely and completely put my life in a different direction. will I be happy with the choice? only time will tell.

oh uh.

stoner girl is my absolute best friend. I don't talk about her enough on here. this weekend stonergirl and i's lesbian best bff came into town. it was also my last weekend in town. of course every night we get fucked up and go to whatever club is having gay night. im a pothead so im not really much of a going out type of person these days so for me to do it three nights in a row is crazy! tonight we went and I danced my ass off, had a three way make out session with my lez bff and some stranger we met in the bathroom (i know, where's the boys right?), and had a blast! one thing though, at the end of the night stonergirl disapears. one of our mutual friends comes up to me to tell me that she has been in the bathroom doing coke. I was pissed, scared, and shocked. we have been best friends for the last year and a half and we had our first fight. it was awful and I hated it. when we parted ways I was so scared. I had never felt so alone. the one person I wanted to tell my favorite parts of the night I couldn't talk to. I felt alone. we are absolutly fine now. I went home smoked a bowl and texted her. its all out of the way now. did I mention that this was a two hour time frame? im to drunk to type. damn sangria.

the only thing that stays the same is everything changes

I just read dizzys (love you to!) last post and it made me start to wonder how long its been since I started blogging. its been a little over a year for me also! I just have one question, where the hell has this year gone? time is always something that has always facinated me. I can't grasp the concept. one minute your life is one way but in a single moment it can all be different. nothing has stayed the same for me in the last year. when I first started blogging I had just found out that my 17 year old sister was pregnant. at the time I was only selfishly thinking of my sister. wondering if she could handle it, would she be ok? in two weeks my niece will be 8 months old. I didn't realize until I held my niece for the first time that there was a life involved. my worries back then seem so pointless. my sister has turned out to be a wonderful mother! another thing that has drastically changed is my relationship with birdboy. I mentioned him in one of my first blogs. at the time at I had some major feelings for the guy. when he left for that semester I painted this picture in my head of this super hero. well, when he moved back and we started living together my perception totally changed. even though he still makes me smile any time im in contact with him and he knows just the right things to say to let me knows he cares (without being to gay) I just don't feel the same about him. now he is more like an extremely good friend. when I look back to when he left the first time I feel so juvenile about the way I handled it. my view on life has changed drastically in the last year. as you may or may not have gotten from my blogs I suffered a grueling 4 months of deep depression. if you have never been depressed its hard to grasp what its like. those cymbalta sommercials barely touch on the subject. I had basically locked myself in my apartment and never ever left. I went an entire week without ever leaving the couch. I never even admitted to myself that I was depressed until I started going to counseling. I have also overcome a big part of my anxiety disorder. therapy has helped me so much. in the last year I have also gotten a lot gayer, if that's even possible. Here's to the next year! may it be the best and most unforgetable of our lives!

why??

why do I do this? I always tell myself in the beginng to stop myself. quit that feeling I get in my gut. its out of my reach. nothing I can ever do will give me that satisfaction. no matter how many times I tell myself no I still push it closer and closer. why?

ohh the possibilities....

I travled to the town im moving to three days ago. I loved it the moment pulled in. its so different than where I am now. there are trees and squirels! the girl im moving with is super sweet, although she is extremely conservative. we toured the campus and searched endlessly for apartments. just when we were ready to give up we found the perfect one. it was right in our price range, close to campus, and it has a gorgeous balcony facing a wooded area! I plan to have a lot of potted plants and bird feeders. it really feels like things are falling into place! im actually doing this. I move in two months and I absolutly can't wait!