its a bittersweet symphony, this life.

goodbye

2009-10-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

I know you have all heard me say that the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. That is by far one of my favorite quotes. There is just so much truth to it. My life has changed so much since I started this blog that its unreal. I feel like this blog represents so much negative that has occured in my life. I want to start fresh so that is what I am going to do. I am going to be creating a new blog. A blog where i hold absolutly nothing back. Anyway, I know this is a short goodbye but it doesnt have to be goodbye. If you want to keep reading about what does (or doesnt for lack of a better word) happen in my life email me at justordinaryguy@live.com and i will email you the new link. Thank you so much for all of the support you have given me so far :)

on my own.

2009-08-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I moved away from home! I packed up everything i owned and moved six hours across the state. My nerves had me absolutly sick the days before I left. I put off packing untill i possibly couldnt wait any longer. I have learned the only way I do things when I'm scared is to just leap. Its kinda like you are about to get into the pool. I believe that it was Mary Katherine Gallager (yes off superstar!) that made that analogy at the beginning of the movie. You can either dip your toes in and test the water first or you can just leap! I tried just dipping my toes in the giant pool we call risk, but i can never get completly in. Therefor, I must leap. Not take any time to think about it, just close my eyes and jump in! I have been here for almost three weeks and it has definatly been bittersweet. I am gettting a little bit of cabin fever sitting in this apartment not knowing many people, but it is good to be away for what was normal. My anxiety hasn't made this move easy. Everything has been really hard for me, including riding the bus to campus. I didnt think i would ever survive that awkward bus ride. The campus difference between my old jr college and the university i'm at now. The UNI is huge with people everywhere. This is going to sound super small town but there are also a lot different cultures everywhere. I like seeing different, but I still feel alone. I need to meet people. I have watched a lot of greys anatomy during the past three weeks, so im full of wonderful Meredith Grey quotes but really sticks out to me know is, "We either embrace change, or we get left behind." I have decided im not getting left behind. I am going to jump into every pool possible. I am going to do the things that scare me the most.

You know, I am a really bad gay guy. I really have no clue what to do, besides loving men, to define me as a gay man. Am i supposed to like fashion? Am i supposed to love to decorate? How should I dress? There is also the thinking that I am just myself, and that me being gay doesn't define me as a whole. I would like to know more about homosexuality, I wanna know our history and know what i should stand for. I need gay friends. I need to know what other gay people are like, to get to know myself (if that makes anything else). This brings up the question, and if you have the answer please let me know, but where does one find the gay community and make gay friends? The movie MILK is awesome and really sparks my interest in gay rights. There is a GLTB group on campus that I plan on attending, if I can get the courage to go alone.

a fork in the road.

2009-08-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

my senior year of high school I had seven class periods. four out of the seven teachers were born and raised in my small west texas town. this facinated me, so I asked why they were still there. every single one of them gave me the same answer. once your a small town kid your always a small town kid. from that day forward I promised myself that I was different. I was never a small town kid. of course going to college, I moved to the smallest city I could find right in the middle of the bible belt. not to mention it was only an hours drive from home. in four short days im finally getting out! im moving out of the bible belt to a much bigger city six hours from home. I have never been so scared in my life. my therapist told me that its the things in life that scare us the most that are the most worth it. of course me being this scared only proves that I actually was a small town kid. I am bout to purposely and completely put my life in a different direction. will I be happy with the choice? only time will tell.

oh uh.

2009-08-02T02:12:00.000-07:00

stoner girl is my absolute best friend. I don't talk about her enough on here. this weekend stonergirl and i's lesbian best bff came into town. it was also my last weekend in town. of course every night we get fucked up and go to whatever club is having gay night. im a pothead so im not really much of a going out type of person these days so for me to do it three nights in a row is crazy! tonight we went and I danced my ass off, had a three way make out session with my lez bff and some stranger we met in the bathroom (i know, where's the boys right?), and had a blast! one thing though, at the end of the night stonergirl disapears. one of our mutual friends comes up to me to tell me that she has been in the bathroom doing coke. I was pissed, scared, and shocked. we have been best friends for the last year and a half and we had our first fight. it was awful and I hated it. when we parted ways I was so scared. I had never felt so alone. the one person I wanted to tell my favorite parts of the night I couldn't talk to. I felt alone. we are absolutly fine now. I went home smoked a bowl and texted her. its all out of the way now. did I mention that this was a two hour time frame? im to drunk to type. damn sangria.

the only thing that stays the same is everything changes

2009-07-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

I just read dizzys (love you to!) last post and it made me start to wonder how long its been since I started blogging. its been a little over a year for me also! I just have one question, where the hell has this year gone? time is always something that has always facinated me. I can't grasp the concept. one minute your life is one way but in a single moment it can all be different. nothing has stayed the same for me in the last year. when I first started blogging I had just found out that my 17 year old sister was pregnant. at the time I was only selfishly thinking of my sister. wondering if she could handle it, would she be ok? in two weeks my niece will be 8 months old. I didn't realize until I held my niece for the first time that there was a life involved. my worries back then seem so pointless. my sister has turned out to be a wonderful mother! another thing that has drastically changed is my relationship with birdboy. I mentioned him in one of my first blogs. at the time at I had some major feelings for the guy. when he left for that semester I painted this picture in my head of this super hero. well, when he moved back and we started living together my perception totally changed. even though he still makes me smile any time im in contact with him and he knows just the right things to say to let me knows he cares (without being to gay) I just don't feel the same about him. now he is more like an extremely good friend. when I look back to when he left the first time I feel so juvenile about the way I handled it. my view on life has changed drastically in the last year. as you may or may not have gotten from my blogs I suffered a grueling 4 months of deep depression. if you have never been depressed its hard to grasp what its like. those cymbalta sommercials barely touch on the subject. I had basically locked myself in my apartment and never ever left. I went an entire week without ever leaving the couch. I never even admitted to myself that I was depressed until I started going to counseling. I have also overcome a big part of my anxiety disorder. therapy has helped me so much. in the last year I have also gotten a lot gayer, if that's even possible. Here's to the next year! may it be the best and most unforgetable of our lives!

why??

2009-07-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

why do I do this? I always tell myself in the beginng to stop myself. quit that feeling I get in my gut. its out of my reach. nothing I can ever do will give me that satisfaction. no matter how many times I tell myself no I still push it closer and closer. why?

ohh the possibilities....

2009-06-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

I travled to the town im moving to three days ago. I loved it the moment pulled in. its so different than where I am now. there are trees and squirels! the girl im moving with is super sweet, although she is extremely conservative. we toured the campus and searched endlessly for apartments. just when we were ready to give up we found the perfect one. it was right in our price range, close to campus, and it has a gorgeous balcony facing a wooded area! I plan to have a lot of potted plants and bird feeders. it really feels like things are falling into place! im actually doing this. I move in two months and I absolutly can't wait!

pipes and vibrators.

2009-06-05T00:42:00.000-07:00

im not a big fan of censorship. I feel like cencorship is taking away our first amendment freedom. The reason im saying this is because this post is not gonna be cencored. this is your warning haha.

this whole new me started when they hired this new girl at work. we will call her girlfriend. the reason im calling her this is because I swear this bitch thinks I am her boyfriend! I have news for you hunny, I don't like what you have to offer. it all started as a simple invite to go hott tubing. I was extremely hesitant because im not in model shape and also because of my f-in anxiety disorder. she talked me into it and a few cups of wine later I had found my new favorite activity. I get to get drunk sitting with a bunch of half naked straight men. I have never met so many new people in my whole life. not to mention every time we drink girlfriend thinks its hott to make out! we always go to the bathroom together and every trip she shows me her mother fucking vag. she thinks its hilarious but the disgust is to much for me! don't get me wrong. she is a blast to hang out with but she is the type of person who you have to be drinking to hang out with. anyway, one drunken night in the hott tub she mentions that she wants to get her nose pierced. I have always wanted a piercing but im a chicken. the bitch talked me into piercing my tongue! ladies and gentleman my tongue is pierced! its the weirdest feeling in the whole world. its very very sore at the moment but im told in the end its worth it.

the tux shop is very good about taking care of us. since prom season is over the big boss gave us all bonuses! kaaaching! stonergirl and I went to blow a good chunk of it today. we went to book stores, Hastings, and even the local smoke shop where I purchased my second pipe. my first one, dr. phil, was cheap so it was time to upgrade! im not sure what to name it yet. any suggestions? after I blew 100 bucks in the smoke shop I jokingly said lets go buy vibrators now. stonergirl wasn't gonna take no for an answer on that one. we picked out a very discreet store where we knew they had them. I was expecting to walk in a black light room and see a bunch of middle aged fat men wearing sunglasses. I was wrong. there were two girls sittng at a front desk wearing next to nothing. when they asked if they could help us stonergirl pushed me out to the counter. keep in mind I just had my tongue pierced so this next statement came out a like a 7 year old boy with a studder. all I could say was toys. haha she took us into this room and open this closet door. I have never seen so many rubber dicks in my life! after glancing at the ipod charging vibrator, the pickle, and the hello kitty vibrator I say something interesting towards the back. it looked just like a butterfinger bar but it said "better than a finger" haha it was a perfect little tiny vibrator. I bought it and some lube. I have never done any experimenting with anal at all so im very nervous. I got it for two reasons. 1) when I do lose my v card I want my flower (yes my flower) to be prepared.2) im curious about what its like and I feel like as a gay man I should know. call it a right of passage if you will. anyway my new pipe is working for me pretty well which would explain this rambling post. I am obcessed with reading blogs so leave me a comment so I can read yours! ttyl!

i was nineteen.

2009-05-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

i am extremly relaxed right now. Im sitting in my dark living room stoned with candles lit listening to tegan and sara. does it get much better than this? I dont think so. Does anybody remember the guy i met on the dating site? (I would put a link to the blog about him but I dont really know how to do that.) Anyway, we stopped talking around the time that I went on the horrible date with the 33 year old. That creeper kinda ruined me on guys for awhile so therefor I stopped talking to sexyeyes (that is what I have named the online guy.) Well since i have started going to therapy and dealing with a lot of my issues I decided that i missed sexyeyes. I sent him a myspace message apologizing for not talking to him and he accepted. He is extremly sweet and I feel a real connection with him. I really think he has boyfriend material. Thats not like me to say that. I usually freak out when it comes to being serious. Anyway, at the end of the summer it wouldnt be long distance because where I am moving is only like ten minutes away from where he lives. So far everything is starting to fall into place.

As the big move gets closer I have such mixed emotions. Part of me is sooo excited that I can't see straight. I feel like I will be truly on my own for the first time. Where i am now is only an hour away from home so I cant really be openly gay. Its not that I am scared people from my hometown will know, but because i want my grandparents to hear it from me first and nobody else. I just have to learn more about me before I am ready to tell them. Anyway, when i move i can be gay openly and everywhere. I swear sometimes I swear I hate Texas though. I do not understand how in the world I have lived here for the last 20 years (as if i had a choice). I am really random tonight. sooo yeah I am scared to move because I will be on my own and I have never lived that far from family all alone before. Time is something I cant grasp. I have been out of high school for two whole years now and I feel like an adult. Its weird for me. does everybody feel this way?

its been awhile...

2009-05-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

therapy has taken the spot of blogging. i know, i know thats awful and i really should write more but everything that i usually want to get out gets out in therapy.

about two months ago i went to eat lunch with my wonderful grandmother when she asked if I was depressed. I told her that i had my good and bad days but there was nothing to worry about. she handed me this card with a dr's name on it, and right below that was a time and date. she had already made me the appointment. I was really hesitant at first. I am not one to openly admit my weaknesses in front of a complete stranger. the day of my first appointment i was terrified. I did not really know what to expect. I had only been to therapy once before in my life and that was family therapy (back when my mom was sober). Individual therapy is a lot different. I sit on this big brown leather couch and talk about me for an hour straight. Turns out that i have an anxiety disorder. I am really starting to enjoy the therapy however. It really has help me become more and more comfortable with myself. I still dont know how to feel about my parents but thats a whole nother post in itself. My therapist is a gorgeous lady in her mid 40s. My grandmother must not have known this (or did she?) but the DR actually wrote her thesis on homosexuality. She is an incredibly understanding person.

I have been working at a tuxedo shop for about two months now, and so far I still love it. The people i work with are amazing, but very odd at the same time. It seems the longer I work there the more secrets come out. Its very strange actually. I am just waiting on somebody to tell me that its all a joke. Anywhere from past mafia members, multiple abortions, to a sixteen year old girl asking me why she was attracted to women. its actually kind of entertaining.

at the end of the summer I will be moving! I can't wait to get out of this conservative little city. I feel like good things will come out of this. birdboy moved out three days ago and surprisingly I am taking it a lot better this time around. I pretty much told him before he left that he meant a lot to me and that if he ignored my txts or phone calls i would hate him forever. He has called twice since he left just to talk. as the semester went on it turned out that I didnt really have as many feelings for him as i thought. as a matter of fact he actually became a little annoying. I am pretty sure he has a problem with stealing things though because my ipod is missing. ass!

i am out of details right now but now that school is out I promise to write more. until next time.

2009-04-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

close your eyes.

2009-02-15T14:14:00.000-08:00

I havent blogged in awhile and I am terribly sorry for that (i like to think i was missed). I have been dying, quite literally actually. I have come down with some terrible awful viral infection. I really didnt think I was going to survive this thing. I have never been so sick in my life! I went to the doctor this last thursday and he had no clue what was wrong with me. They took a bunch of tests and we will know hopfully what has been going on tomorrow if the results get in. The good thing about getting sick is that there is no other way to go but up. Now that I am feeling better I am a lot more appreciative of life. I know that sounds awfully corny, but its true. When I was sick it was either the couch or the bathroom and the pain was awful. Now that I can leave the house and enjoy the day outside I realize that my life could be wayyyyy worse than I really think it is sometimes. It almost makes me feel untouchable, like I could jump off of my roof and fly.

How was everybodys valentines day? Mine was really good. I spent the day jumping from friends houses to friends houses. Birdboy asked if him and Megabitch (his gf) could have the house to themselves. I was really pissed off about the request but being the nice caring person I am I agreed. SO my vday was spent with the people I love the most. My bffs. Blondgirl and I went shopping and ate lunch together. Later in the day I went over to stonergirls house and we got incredibly stoned and played wii bowling, tennis, golf, and baseball for six hours straight. Then we busted out the rock band. I of course was lead vocals haha. I cant carry a tune to save my life but I am def a performer. We laughed and laughed until 5 am this morning.

I plan on finding a job tomorrow. I have been unemployeed since November 23rd and my grandparents are getting pretty pissed of at me. I am excited to have some money of my own and get to go out every once in a while. Not to mention getting a job will change my current lazy life. I love change. Anyway, I had some extra time today so I thought I would write a little something. Have a great week!

creeper.

2009-02-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

I am watching a specail on TLC about the man who is pregnant. I honestly can say that sometimes I hate our society. This man is a man just like me. He may not be a man all the way yet, but in his mental state thats exactly what he is. People are so mean. Can we please just let americans live their lives the way they want? I mean is that not what our country is all about? It just really pisses me off.

Anyway, so last night I went on the date with the 33 year old last night. I was very hesistant about his because of how creepy he was the night before. From the moment he picked me up till the moment he dropped me off i was creeped out. The man went on and on about his dogs who he kept constantly refering to as his "kids" and he kept petting me. You know, rubbing my leg, my arm, the back of my head. The whole situation just creeped me out. When he dropped me off I just told him there was no spark, which is the nice way of saying, "dude, you creep me the fuck out." So I think that I have a new rule, no more dating older men i met on myspace. For some reason, i regret the whole situation. Something good has came out of the situation however. I have realized that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I have always been taught that you have to learn to be alone before you can learn to be with somebody else. That is exactly what I am doing. I am learning who i am and who i want to be. Learning to love myself, one day at a time.

until next time.

poker face.

2009-02-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

i have a confession. I go to myspace and stalk all the gay people in the city i live in. I just want to see whats out there. Anyway, I was doing this when i came upon this guys page. He was nice looking, seemed to be a nice guy, and I was attracted to him. I awkwardly sent him a message telling him i ran upon his page and thought he was cute. He immediatly sent me a message back saying that he thought the same about me. We exchanged numbers and texted for a couple of days. He asked me to a movie with him and I of course said yes. Anyway, I got birdboy out of the house for the night and told him he could come over a little before the movie so we could visit. I was so nervous so I decided to treat myself to a few glasses of wine before he got here. We talked for about an hour and I was already wasted. We started making out and ended up hooking up and completly missed the movie. haha anyway in the heat of the moment he says, "will you be my boyfriend?" and "move in with me" and " it would be amazing to wake up to you ever morning"

HOLD UP. BRAKES.

i calmy explained to him that he was moving at the speed of light and i had only really known him for a couple of hours (i know we hooked up.). He apologized. Did I mention he is 33? I think i forgot to mention that. Anyway, the night ended with me sending a blank text (code for get me the fuck out of here) to slutgirl and her calling me and telling me she has just been in a wreck (lie) and I went to a party with her and got trashedwastedface. We are going to see the movie tonight. I am going to tell him to slow the fuck down. I shouldnt probably even be doing this but its fun to be wanted. 33? he looks young for his age. what does age have to do with anything anyway. I promise i dont have some wierd old man fetish. I cringed at even typing that. I guess we will just have to see what happens.

until next time.

whats the matter mary jane?

2009-02-04T11:08:00.000-08:00

i absolutly love my government class. the professor is completly crazy. I never know whats gonna come out of the mans mouth. Anyway, today we talked about the legalization of marijuana. I would like to rant on what we leared today.

I would like to start off by saying that at one point and time I was anti-weed. I was never gonna try it. Well, thanks to dizzy i tried it and LOVED ITTT! I am now an official pot head lol. I own my own pipe and birdboy keeps us supplied with the weed. I have never been happier. Sometimes when we are stoned I think to myself, damn these are the moments that I will remember forever. Not to mention i am a way better student stoned. I can sit down and write a three page paper in no time with the help of mary jane. ok but back to what i learned in government.

40,000 people die every year from tobacco.
30,000 people die every year from second hand smoke
more that 50,000 people die every year due to alcohol.
30 people die a year due to toilets!
less than 5 people die a year because of weed.

you heard me right. you are more likely to either get out of the shower, fall and hit you head on the toilet or pass out drunk and drown in toilet water than you are to die from weed. and get this. there are some alcohols out there that if you took a shot a minute you would be dead in 15 minutes. you would literally have to smoke a ton of weed to die. We also learned that in the state of Texas a prison hold 96 prisoners out of 100 beds. Everytime we send somebody to jail for selling or possesing weed then they have to let somebody out to have a bed open. 95% percent of the time its a violent crime offender or sex offender. They would rather let somebody who is dangerous to the public out of jail to put somebody who honestly, did nothing wrong. I agree that weed is/could be a gateway drug but its all about knowing your limits. There are somethings out there I would like to try, and may someday buttttttttt I know my limits and I know when to stop. also, just think if they did legalize it they could tax it. maybe that would give us some more money for the 10.6 trillion dollars we arein debt.

just a little something for you to think about. =]

prayers for bobby.

2009-01-25T17:24:00.000-08:00

i want to come out. i want to come out soon. i am terrified though. literally scared to the point that every time i think about doing it tears fall from my eyes. i love my family to death, more than anything in the whole world. I have a very fucked up family. As you may know I was raised by my grandparents because my parents were very ill equipted, and when i say that i mean that they were addicts. My mom and my grandmother havent really spoken in years. The point of that statement is that my grandparents were there for me when my parents werent. They took me in and gave me stability, love, hope, and made me believe that i was possible of doing anything. i dont want to dissapoint them. My biggest fear is that they will be so dissapointed that they wont speak to me. I dont want to lose my family.

My grandmother told me the other day, "There is nothing I hate more in this world than when somebody can look me in the eye and lie to me." That is exactly what I am doing. I am looking her straight (no pun intended) in the eye and telling her that I am interested in woman when she asks about my love life. I am deceiving her. Not only her but the rest of my family and my friends. What should i do? Should i just sit her down and be like "I'm queer and I'm here so get over it.?" How do i even handle this situation? I want to be me. I want to live my life the way i am happiest, gay. I have been having dreams that i am having sex in front of my family members. In one of my dreams my sister told me, "your gay and thats what i love most about you" weird huh? I love my family and I want them to enjoy my happiness with me but how can I if i am so scared? oh my gosh what do i do? I cant live my life like this anymore. help

the blonder the better.

2009-01-24T22:49:00.001-08:00

i am sitting here drunk right now. drunk and alone haha im an alcoholic apparently. anyway, i got drunk for a reason. a couple of weeks ago i dared into the online dating experience. i was nervous at first, but i knew that if it worked for some people it could work for me. i have exchanged lots of emails and chats but none really stood out for me. for the most part these guys were looking for a quick screw. like i have said before, thats not what i am looking for right now. anyway did meet a guy who seemed generally nice. I havent decided what to call him yet, but it turns out that we have a lot in common. I gave him my number and we have been texting a lot these last couple of days. about six today he told me he wanted to call me tonight. i freaked out, i have just a touch of anxiety disorder when it comes to meeting new people, much less a complete stranger from the internet that could possibly be the next mr. justaguy. wait, thats a lie i want my partners last name. haha anyway, he calls and we talk for a good twenty minutes. he is about to call me back and im actually really excited. i dont know why but he seems like a good match for me. but dont get your hopes up, dear reader. I will probably blog in about a week and say some bullshit like oh it just didnt work out. you should know the drill by now.

i had a guy tell me earlier this week that homosexuality was a mental disorder. he didnt know im gay. that was like a fucking knife going through my heart? who the fuck does he think he is. he is mentally ill for thinking that.

until next time.

love is free.

2009-01-21T16:43:00.001-08:00

i havent blogged in a while. dont know why really, i would have all of this stuff i would think of and then as soon as i sat down it would all be gone. poof blank head. haha how weird is it to have a new president. we have had the same prez since i was 11 years old! I am soo excited for obama will do for our country. I believe what he has to say and maybe just maybe make gay marraige legal!

i suppose some of you (if there are any readers out there) are wondering what its like to live with the imfamous birdboy. first of all, let me just tell you that when he got here i realized something. i was not as in love with him as i thought i was. i guess bc he has been gone so long and i hadnt seen him i built him up to be something a lot bigger than he really was. it was a big relief. living with him is really easy. he is hardly ever home and when he is we just sit on the couch and get stoned and watch brad pitt (birdboys self claimed husband) movies. he looks at porn on my laptop. did i mention that? he has some weird taste sexually. first off there was girls in it. thats not normal haha i met somebody on the post secret blog that had the same situation i did and we talked about it for a while through txts. we decided the best thing to do is prepare for the worst but expect the best. that thought really has helped a lot.

school started for me today and i already wanna cry. i am taking algebra for the 5th time and i think i may scream. math is just not my subject nor will it ever be. and why do i need math for my career? a news anchor (thats what i want to be fyi) will never need math. ever. i have been having weird sex dreams about stonergirls roommate. he isnt that bad looking but he is almost 30 and probably disease infested. lol

as far as the whole "no sex until a relationship" thing. the oppurtunity hasnt really arised for me latly so therefor, i havent got to turn anybody down.

until next time.

we've got the vision, now lets have some fun.

2009-01-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

I decided that you guys need some background info, and im bored so here it goes.

I was born on April 23, 1989 in the same town i was raised in. I call that place my hometown. The person that matters most to me in this whole world still lives there after 52 years. My grandmother took me in when my mother and father didnt want me. I love her more than anyone would ever know. My sister however, was lucky (well i say lucky) enough to be raised by our mother. My sister just had a beautiful baby girl a month ago at the age of 17. My friends mean everything to me. All of my friends are family just not by blood.

Fabgirl aka Dizzy- I met dizzy at work and my life was instantly changed. It all started with an innocent invite to go ballroom dancing. A friendship quickly grew and she made me comfortable with who i am--gay. She was my ultimate party girl. Miss you dizzy!

Countrygirl- I also met her at work. She is very conservative in her actions but open minded in her beliefs. She is very clingy, but at times can be a very fun person.

Stonergirl- She is another Dizzy only way cooler. haha jk dizzy. i love this chick so much. she is amazing and no matter what i say she has no judgement at all. we have similar childhoods so its easy to relate when i have family problems.

Blondie- She is one of the only people i still talk to from high school. this chick is fucking stupid haha she has her moments. i love her dearly but i dont see us being friends forever. we will go our own way haha

Birdboy- He is the best guy friend i have ever had. Despite what dizzy says, his sexuality is questionable. Before i continue lets leave all judgements at the door mk? I love him. Thats hard for me to say but i think its true. I am gonna spare the sappy details. He asked me to move in with him and i agreed. He moves in tomorrow, and I am scared to death. I dont know whats going to happen but i think i will be happy to just be in his presence.

Jay- he is the only gay man in this world i trust. Gay guys are very coniving and manipulative. Its very hard to trust them. Jay and I pretty much grew up together so i know i can trust him. He is like my gay godfather if you will. If i have a question about something i am not quite sure of he is always there with an answer.

I dont understand a single thing in my life, but thats ok because one day it will all makes sense.

if it makes you happy, well then it cant be that bad.

2008-12-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

i have come to a conclusion.

If you would have looked back into my life a year ago i was not comfortable with who i was at all. I thought that me being gay was just a stage and that it would go away one day and i would marry a girl and have tons of kids. Although, in the last year my mindset (thanks to a lot of great friends including but not limited to stonergirl and dizzy) has done a complete 360. i realize now that I AM GAY. I also realize that i am in no way at all attracted to girls and having a wife is in no way possible. i also used to think that i would never tell my family in a million years. this christmas i wanted to so badly. i am tired of hiding myself, but i couldnt get up the nerve to let them know. they are the most conservative people you will ever meet. i mean i was cut off for like 3 weeks because they found out i voted democratic. haha seriously. there have been many chapters in my gay life.

Chapter One: First Encounter
when i was in the seventh grade i was having a sleepover with all of the "cool guys" in my class. i always have been bffs with all girls. At the time i lived with my mom and this worried her so she decided i needed some male contact. if only she knew thats exactly what i got lol. it was a game of truth and dare. i ended up losing my oral vcard that night.

Chapter Two: Constant Hook-ups.
this chapter has been the last four years of my life. i knew in high school that a relationship was impossible so my gay life was nothing but bootycalls from drunkyn football players whose gfs wouldnt put out.

I have decided that im starting chapter 3. im done with sex until i am in a relationship. thats what i want more than anything at this moment. unfortunalty this little city is full of guys that are looking to get off and most of them are really selfish lovers anyway. im done with them. DONE.

PS the guy i met the other night at the club just wants to get off. man oh man. will he ever come?

eh.

2008-12-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

i met a boy. =]

last night my favorite lesbian, meggy, came into town and dragged stonergirl and I out to the drag queen show. we got super stoned before we went so it was def a trip. we met some friends of meggy's up there. Lust and Love is what we will call them. When we first got there meggy would not stop giving me these gross skanky lap dances. gross me out. stonergirl and lust were just chatting away when i realized it wasnt megan rubing her ass all over me. it was lust. he gave some good lap dances! anyway, we sat on the steps to watch the drag show. unfortunatly, love was left standing. him and stonergirl were whispering and i thought i saw stonergirl point to me but i wasnt for sure. i hadnt spoke to love at all that night besides our introduction. i was distracted by a fabulous queen when i felt somebody spread my legs and sit on the step below between my legs. i look down and its love. he kept staring at me randomly throughout the night. he even dance behind me. we sat down and talked about where we were from, being in and out of the closet, and random stuff like that. towards the end of the night he kinda quit paying attention to me. stonergirl says they werent talking bout me. i felt a connection with this guy. i cant explain it but i could. when we left i went to give him a hug and he whispered something that sounded like number. i couldnt be sure so i just nodded my head and walked off. i got his number from meggy. im to scared to text him. what if he doesnt like me and was just drunk? i am so awful at this. could somebody please give me lessons?

holy fuck fuck fuck.

2008-12-18T01:20:00.001-08:00

ok so i did it. i fucked up. im drunk off my ass right now. birdboy and i have been texting all night long. anyway, i am drunk, like i said. i asked him to tell me a secret and he told me that him and his gf have been done for the last two months. i was pissed. ok so i realize that i am totally and completly in love with him and as far as i know ( i, among my friends still have our doubts) he is straight. what im ranting about is that i dont fucking get it. he is my roommate and at one time we were best friends. why in the fuck did this mother fucker wait two months to tell me???? anyway in my drukyn rage i texted him this.

your like the best guy friend i have ever had. i was abused by a man and have been scared of men every since. sometimes i think that when it comes to personal stuff you keep me out and i dont get it? why?

no fucking responce. i did it this time huh. i put my foot in my mouth and said something i shouldnt have. he hasnt responded and im freaking the mother fucking fuck out. ahhhhhhhh. ok i need to calm down and just go to sleep i guess. holy fuck what the fuck did i do?

ps dizzy is a great teacher. i played pool with a complete group of stangers and kicked their ass!

walking in a winter wonderland.

2008-12-17T17:54:00.000-08:00

I love my grandmother very much. She has a specail place with me. She raised me and I owe everything i am to her. She has seen all of the fucked up things my mom and dad and aunts have done so she automatically assumes that i am following in the same path. She worries about me so much when, honestly i am a pretty good. Well, most of the time haha anyway, i have a funny story. i think its funny at least.

Grandmother: What are you doing?

Me: Watching some old christmas movie. kinda depressing

Grandmother: Why is it so depressing? It is christmas, its supposed to be happy.

Me: Well, growing up I always thought that all adults got to meet santa so i just automatically assumed that when i turned 18 we would miracuosly meet up and like hang out or something.

Grandmoter: Well, there is a good reason yall didnt meet. He isn't real.

Me: What???? SANTA ISNT REAL! ARE YOU BEING SERIOUSSS?

Grandmother: Oh my Lord in Heaven (yes she really says that) Are you drinking? Your drunk right now arent you.

Me: Goodbye Grandmother.

lol i thought it was pretty funny.

kinda like the time my cousin told my aunt that she was the coolest mom in the whole world because she had the same pjs as the toothfairy. haha

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

thats not my name.

2008-12-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

i have been reading some of my recent posts and damnnnnn i have been a debbie downer. trust me, thats not me. i am a bad ass mother fucker. i am a blast to be around. i just wanted to let all of yall know that.

i had a random memory yesterday. i was thinking about this time when me and dizzy both worked at that shit hole. she had this book called post secrets. i read the shit out of that book and it was uhhmazing. i became a fan on facebook of the book and there was this post where you could put your number and people randomly text you their secrets. i posted my number and damn you guys. there are some fucked up people out there. haha i love it. secrets fasinate me.

school is over thank god! damn this was a shitty semester. i am looking forward to the next one though. i have decided im gonna make it amazing and i am gonna rock it. Mr. Amazing and I have really hit it off. he is cool. he is out of town for the break though. i wonder if things will change when birdboy comes home?

ohemgee. i havent told yall about this. i am an uncle. my sister had her baby. she is adorable and stole my heart the moment i saw her. the only girl that will ever have my heart. =]

anyway, i was just bored and wanted to update this thing.

until next tim

wow.

2008-12-04T15:58:00.000-08:00

dear readers,

do you guys remember the childhood friend of mine (jay) i had a crush on? well he hooked me up with a guy that we will call Mr. Amazing, and that is exactly what he is. he isnt that cute but he will do. i know that sounds awful i dont really know any other way to put it.

Jay "im gonna tell him you want him to go home with you."

Me "i will kill you and you will die."

Jay "haha ok ok"

30 minutes later and 2 glasses of wine....

Me " ok, so do you wanna come home with me?"

Mr. Amazing " sure"

am i slut? i hooked up with a guy on the first date and not only that but i just met him! anyway, i like him. i can smell him. he told me that i was hott and the best "sex" of his life. he said can we do that everyday? haha anyway, we decided to be sex buds and thats it. i think i want more. is it possible to make him decide he wants a relationship. yes, yes. i think i can.

untill next time.

you can pay for school but you cant buy class.

2008-11-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

i have been thinking a lot latly. my life has been in such a slump i have no clue what to do with myself. i feel depressed all of the time. which is awful for me. i hate not being happy and feeling weak. i wish i could be this strong person. if you didnt already know my childhood sucked. anywho my mom is way bipolar. like to the extreme. when i was younger we went through a lot (my mom, my sis, and i). when something went wrong i had to be strong for them. it was like i was raising them both, complete role reversal. i would always push the bad to the back and smile and make jokes. unfortunatly, now everything is surfacing and coming at me at once. i am drowning. it all started when i had to drop two of my classes because i was failing and then i got home to realize my puppy had died. it was like everything hit me like a ton of bricks. all i could do was lay in my bed and look at the ceiling. i didnt leave my bed for like twelve hours. the sad thing is that its all in the back of my head now and im smiling and making jokes. i really dont know what to do.

i have been consumed latly in the twilight saga. every waking moment i have my nose is buried in one of those books. i saw the movie tonight and was dissapointed. nothing compared to the book. i think i want to change my career goal. i want to be a writer. i have these stories i play out in my head. every situation has a story. i am more of a free spirit and writing fits.

did i mention i have a little bit of a crush on my childhood friend. there is a twist though. he is actually 100% gay! i know. not my type haha. we are txt buddies and never really hang out. i mean we used to work together for my uncle. thats when we spent 12 hours a day together. he was the first gay person i had ever been around and i totally looked up to him. it was our little secret. anyway, we already discussed the possibilities and friendship is better. he wants me to come to his house tomorrow and watch the game with him and his buddies. says theere will be plenty men for me to choose from. i may be to shy for that though. we will see.

until next time.

ps in exactly one week i will be a uncle!

wtf man wtf

2008-11-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

ok. so latly i have hated my life. i decided i needed a change so i gave my two weeks notice at work. i have no clue what im going to do now. that was a total rash decision. Another rash decision. Last night i had nothing to do, yet all of my friends had plans. I knew this girl that lives 3 hours away that slutgirl (the one who introduced me to bay) and i met through my old roommate. she was having a "huge" bday party so we decided to roadtrip. We bought a box of wine to drink on the way. i was driving and got pretty drunk. half way there we hit a deer. scared me half to death and busted my head light. wtf. anywho more the reason to drink some more. 45 minutes later we are getting pulled over by a state trooper. FUCK. luckly, we had just drank the last of the wine and threw it out. the first thing the man says when he walks up to my truck is " who has been drinking?" we deny it off our asses and asks me to step out of the truck. i voluntarily took a breath test. keep in mind that for the last three hours i have been drinking wine. i fucking blew 0000000 on that the test! how the fuck did that happen! then he searches my truck. 3 fucking stolen road signs. luckily, i got a warning he let me go. i am the fucking luckiest man in the whole world. the breathalizer had to have been broken.

birdboy came into town this weekend. he didnt tell me. i saw a pic on his gfs facebook. i asked him and he deny the whole things. the only theory i have is that he is so much in love with me that he didnt want me and his gf in the same room. let me know your theory. keep in mind we are living together and i just moved into our apartment. why wouldnt he want to come see his apartment? weird. i know. soo please, let me know your fucking theory. haha so anyway when we got to the so called party. there was no party. 3 fucking hours, one dead deer, one busted headlight, and a almost arrested gay man. no party. story of my life.

until next time.

How do mermaids use the bathroom?

2008-10-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sooo that thing with that girl and me. Over with. totally just a fling. i like penis a lot so yeah it would never have worked. I dont want a "I told you sooo" from you dizzy i know. Everybody in my life has gotten sick but me. Am i the luckiest person in the world or what? I got approved for mine and birdboys apartment today. I move in next weekend! He wont be here until late december so that gives me about two months to get the place ready for him! School + work is super stressful. I dont know how most people go all four years like this! I am making it though. This weekend I am going to see my sis. This will be the last time i see her without a baby on her hip! Wow, my sis has a family before me. anywho, i stayed up till 5am last night writing a psych paper so im gonna take a nap. I dedicate this song to birdboy. enjoy.

Obama 08!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWbLkXhGEmo

here comes the bride...

2008-10-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

im all dark and twisty inside. just like meredith. last friday i got a call from my aunt saying that i needed to call my mother immediatly. i freaked ( thinking something was wrong with my unborn niece) and told my aunt that she needed to tell me whats wrong right then. In a sad way i knew that if something was wrong then i would rather hear it from her than my own mother. she explained to me that my mom and her 24 year old boyfriend just got their marriage liscence and the the wedding was this monday. i was crushed. i prepared myself to call my mom trying to decide if i wanted to act happy for her or tell her how ignorant she really is. before i could call her she txts me and tells me. in a fucking text. damn i was sooo pissed. anyway, a box of wine later and im over it. birdboy asked me to move in with him and i agreed. i am NOT in love with him. i may have been at one time but that was months ago and i finally see him for the good friend that he is. plus he likes vag. another sad thing is that most of my family have been a huge part in my life, but for some reason i resent them. if it wasnt for them i could be gay and move to canada and not have to go to school. i think im dropping out. im seriously thinking about it. i have to go to work ill elaborate later.

i heart lesbians!

2008-09-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

last night I went to stoner girls house and met one of her ear friends from high school. meggy is what we will call her. I was super droned (drunk and stoned) when all of the men leave the room. meggy turns to me and confesses that she is a lezbian. I love her! she freaking is amazing. anyway, she is married but currently has the sweetest gf ever. lol we laughed and laughed. she wants me to go gay clubbin tonight but I am going camping with my graduating class. anyway im gonna get some hott football player ass!

its our decision to live fast and die young.

2008-09-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

i feel for a girl. one with a vag in case you were wondering. baybay is her name. well not really but now. i am supper stoned by the way. so anyway, i meet her think she would be good to use to take home so my family doesnt worry. next thing i know i am thinking about her a lot and when we txt i smile everytime (i mean everytime) i receive a new message from her. puppy love. i feel hardcore. i asked her to be my girlfriend and she agrees. happiest 24 hours of my life. next night i went out with country girl. we all now how i like to get trashed and dance untill i cant dance anymore. i get a text that says, "im not ready" bitch broke my heart. a girl! i was finally comfortable with who i was and this chick comes around and makes me second guess. she isnt ready? ugh. next day we talk and decide that we shouldnt be bf and gf so soon. we both admitted that we were crazy for each other. as of now we are still dating...or seeing each other as she put it. everytime i see her she tells me how crazy she is about me. at work she spends my shift with me. i really wanna liek her and experience a relationship first hand but honestly i cant be hurt. heartache is awful and i would rather die than go through that. seriously. it fucking sucks. i dont any part of it at all. anyway, what do i do? do i let myself experience the magical thing they call love or do i just play it safe. is it really worth it? ohh my goodness? why am i so late finding this stuff out? this is third grade for most kids.

another story, my dad keeps talking ot my sister and not me. i mean not word to me for a year but every night to her. why? her REAL dad is meeting her for the first time 2morrow. i want to tell my dad so bad so he will be hurt. i would love it. birdboy is moving back. im excited but i realize things will never be the same. seriously. everybody keeps tell me he shares the feelings it was obvious and when he gets back we will eventually be together ( says stonergirl) i dont know. i know that after i have met somebody i will never be able to be alone again. which really sucks. i liked being alone. has anybody read twighlight? awesome. ok now im being random. i am so confused.

ugh school and work together suck. i really need to go sleep.

untill next time.

to be or not to be

2008-09-01T04:01:00.000-07:00

its 6 am and i cant sleep. just when i was a little bit comfortable with who i am. (gay) a girl comes along. it all started out as a blind date. it was slutgirl who decided we would be a perfect match. i only agreed bc slut doesnt know i am gay and i thought it couldnt hurt. well, i was expecting a fat girl who wasnt that pretty. when i walked in the room i was blown away. she was gorgeous. we spent the whole night talking about each other. likes and dislikes. i am more confused than ever.

help

im not unfaithful but ill stray.

2008-08-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

i dont even know where to start with this one. seriously.

ok so anyway, i got a tattoo! on my ass. its a peace sign and i love it. me and one of my good friends. i like to call her slutgirl got matching tats. i have always wanted one but i have always been way to scared. before we went i was soo scared. i was shaking. anyway we ended up being there for four hours. i met some really interesting people. my tattoo artist told me his life story. i love it when people tell me there life stories. i have a disease where people just spill their hearts out to me. he is very dom in bed. he likes to beat girls. i was a little freaked when he told me that. there was also this couple there. they were both getting tats. the wifes was on her lower back. three stars. she screamed when they were doin it. scared me half to death. the husband got them on the back of his arms. there 2 year old son was there. he just ran around like crazy and everything you said to him he would just respond with a simple 2. it was great. anyway, let me just tell you that tats hurt like hell. although, when your done its an amazing rush. i would do it again in a heart beat. its something everybody has to do at least once in their life.

the second thing i would like to talk about is the time i did coke in the office of a tanning salon with a model. haha ok so designerboy is quiting work because he just got signed with a agent and is moving. i worked with him the other day and asked him if he had smoked any mj latly and he said no he had been to coked out latly. i was shocked. he saw the look on my face and said you have never done it?? i explained him that im terrified to try anything but mj. long story short. he peer pressured me into trying it. we went back into the office and i tried a little bit. it didnt even take effect on me. just so you know this is nothing like me. i absolutly am not that person. not even a little bit. i just think its funny that i tried coke with a model at work. remember that is not me.

what have i become. a coke doing tattoo getting person???? lol

so i met this guy. we will call him scratchguy. i met him through a friend of a friend. something was fishy about this guy. we hung out once and decided that we werent couple material (thank god. ugly as fuck) we decided to be really good friends. well anyway, two nights ago we were at the mutual friends house when he starts sendin me all of these dirty texts. keep in mind he is sittin right next to me. ewww. i put him in his place. a lot about this guy didnt make sense. we (the friend and i) caught him in tons of lies. anyway, this morning he called and said im moving bye. we are pretty sure he was running from the law. he was in town 3 weeks. weird huh.

in other news. we find out what my sis is having tomorrow. im super excited. umm countrygirl and i are def besties but she is clingy. and tonight im smokin some mj with stonergirl and i am super excited!! yayy!

until next time.

My night in a nutshell

2008-08-03T00:50:00.000-07:00

Ohhh em gee. Ok so i needed to go out so badly. going out is my drug. i love to get a good buzz and go dance. i dont know why but i love it so much. well, i talked asain girl into going out with me tonight to the local gay club. asaingirl and i arent close at all so i thought it might be awkward. it totally wasnt. we went to a prepart at designerboys house. a blast. there were gay people everywhere which i loved. anyway we drank a lot. i mean ALOT. lol it was a blast. i normally hate designerboy. i mean he pretty much stole my man. anyway, when im drunk he is wayyy more fun. so asain girl had 2 smirnoffs and a shot of vodka. we go to the club and dance the fucking night away. i mean we danced like no other. ran into old friends and had a blast! asain girl told me she was hot so we went outside to sit on the balcony. im sitting there having a blast just chillen. im talking to my new bestfriend (dont remember her name) and then BOOM! asain girl is on the floor. i mean passed the fuck out. gone. out cold. she was dead weight. she passed out hard core. picture it. drag queens screaming "ohhh girl you had to much" lol i call designerboy over and he is like lets get her out of here. about that time the staff comes over and is like you need to get her out of here.

Me "well, duh"
Staff "how did she get so drunk she is a minor"
Me " uhhh pre party duhhh"
Staff " yall need to leave. get out of here now"

lol i cant believe i said that. vodka is soo much fun. lol anyway, she cant walk so i throw that tiny asain over my shoulder and carried her outside. when we got outside i ask her if she can stand up and she says yeah. i sit her down and she falls on the pavement. the whole balcony can see us and is like oohhhhhhh! about this time i get pissed and throw the bitch over my shoulder agian and the whole balcony i mean like fifty people are screaming yayyyyy! you go boy! lol i carry to the truck and drive her home. her dad is strict so i put her on the doorstep and ring the doorbell. what was i supposed to do? dizzy i hope your lovin this! lol hahahaha i cant believe that happened! what a night. never let a tiny asain take shots of vodka. seriously. anywhoooo im gonna go watch colin farrells sex tape.

unitl next time.

lets just leave and not tell a soul goodbye.

2008-07-23T20:18:00.002-07:00

i did it. i had sex with downgrade. well, let me stick up for myself. it totally wasnt sober sex. it wasnt even sex at all really. just plain ol everything but. when i woke up this morning i was like wtf. i didnt stay the night, i knew i couldnt wake up like that. for some reason that i dont know i regreted it. i mean, it wasnt bad sex at all. and he isnt that bad looking. well kinda. before i left i told him that i didnt want him telling anybody until i could tell countrygirl ( we have gotten really close) he agreed and told me that he would txt me tommorrow. on my way home i got a text and it said " lets not tell anybody about this until we know its what we want." then i was really like wtf? what we want?? i am def not good with relationships. i am the worlds worst. i just agreed and decided what i needed was sleep. i am kinda scared i mean do i have a fuck buddy now?

last thursday, countrygirl and i went to the local country club. i was dancing the night away, which is what i do best, when i felt somebody tap me on the shoulder. i looked up and was speechless. it was my first cousin on my dads side. you should know my father has abandoned me more than once in my life. it was so awkward. what am i supposed to say. we said hello and did a fifteen second catch up session and went our own way. three hours later and like 5 shots of vodka later we went to whataburger. guess who was there. yep unknowncousin himself. in my drunkeness i asked him where my dad was. i found out that my dad has lived in the same town as me for the last three months. not a phone call nothing. i gave him my number and told him to tell my dad to call me. i dont like my dad but i would still like to have one. my dad never called. it sucks because when i thought about it. my own father doesnt want to talk to me. what an ass.

my life in general right now is the fact that i am trapt. at least thats what i feel. i miss birdboy. the memories are less and less. but they are still there. my sister decided not to have the test done. she said that she didnt care what happened she wanted to keep him/her. i am so excited. vacation is comin up. yay for me. anyway, i love wine. its the best.

until next time.

life is now or never

2008-07-23T20:18:00.001-07:00

i have the most emotional man alive latly. call it a man period if you wish. i dont even know where to start on this one. i hate what im about to write. i hate not being happy. i guess we will start off with family drama. i talked to my mom this week, for the first time since april. of course she tried to make me feel bad about how my life was better than hers. sucks i know. maybe if she laid off the men and meth she would have what i have. anyway, we still dont know if my sisters baby has downsyndrom, but mom said if it did there was a good chance she wouldnt keep it. she told me this as i was telling her about 30 dollar pair of shoes i just bought my future niece/nephew. we find out tomorrow what sissy is having. i personally cant wait.

latly, i have been hating my life. which really i hate my job. bitch, bitch, bitch. thats all i ever hear. hey you did this wrong. oh and this. and did i mention this. pretty much you never do anything right. i dont wanna get a new job because i dont want to have to start over new somewhere else. however, i do want to start completly over. change my name, my life, my hair color. be somebody else thats completly different. the song is "boston" by augustana. i love that song. i hate this feeling though. the feeling of unsatisfaction. i am lonely. i want somebody to go home to. somebody to love me. again, realize i hate writing stuff like this. i hate showing emotions.

today at work i was bored. i spent 6 hours on this website reading about other peoples lives. creating what they looked like in my head. their likes and dislikes. its was like my own little world. then a customer would come in and i would be forced to come back to the real world. shit. i need to cheer up. i hate unhappiness. its pathetic. and also, i need to get laid. i am so sick of temporaryness. (however you may spell that) ugh whatever moving on.

country girl and i getting closer. weird i know. gossipgirl is pissed. i stole her bestie. thats what you get bitch. anyway, birdboy has dissapeared completly. i saw on his facebook that he was in a relationship. good for him. just to let him know. once a cheater always a cheater. and oh have you heard. lindsay lohan is gay. we could get married and have an open relationship. awesome! anyway, i took a sleeping pill and i need my beauty sleep. im getting really drunk and dancing my ass of tomorow night.

until next time.

Time changes Everything.

2008-07-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

birdboy left for good. he didn't even stop to say goodbye. all i got is a text that said "hey, im gonna miss you. stay in touch." what the fuck? 6 months of friendship and i get a stay in touch. maybe i am just making this a big deal because i had feelings for him. anyway, that was one of the hardest days of my life. everything around me reminded me of him. everything. im so serious. everybody tells me that time heal all wounds. i believe that because everyday gets easier and eaiser. he has been gone three days. at least once a day every memory that we shared come flushing back to me as if it were happening. soon enough it will be once a week and then once a month. the sad part is that eventually they will be gone. anyway, i would like to change the subject before it hits me. ps. my feelings are still there.

so in the last blog i told yall about downgrade. thursday night we did go out and he was there. i did get drunk and the thought of the nights action crossed my mind. then suddenly some techno song plays. who would have guessed it was mine and birdboys song. wtf? i had to stop dancing. for some reason i felt like i was hurting birdboy by hanging out with this other guy. my friends and i went and sat down so i could get over all the memories flushing through and i realized that a rebound wasn't gonna help my feelings. and not to mention that downgrades are unnacceptable. this guy was a hobbit, a downgraded hobbit.

the next night i went to a friend from works house. her name is countrygirl. countrygirl, i recently discovered is really cool. anyway, we all started drinking this good ass whine. it was awesome. i drank a lot. yes, downgrade was there. i got really drunk and countrygirl and i went walking to her vehicle for something and in my drunkness and a birdboy flashback i confessed everything to her. i told her i was gay. it was a really big deal at the time. she is a southern babtist and i thought that she would flip. she hugged me and told me she loved me. thank you lord. later on the night as the whine kept pouring i decided to announce to the whole room that i was gay. what the hell am i thinking? 3 months ago i was scared to death thinking that nobody could know my secret. well, i would tell a gorgeous jew, but nobody else. i found myself thinking that at what point did i decide--hey im gay and i want the world to know. i dont know. i really dont. it just came out like word vomit. of course the girl who couldnt keep anything to herself (gossipgirl) was there. that was friday. its sunday and the world knows. damn. im scared. i have no parents--only grandparents. what will they think if they were to find out? the can never know ever. anyway, downgrade made the moves on me and i told him that he was just a rebound thought and i wasnt interested. mean i know but i was drunk and didnt know what else to think. anywho later that night i called birdboy and told him that he needed to call me back so i could tell him something. of course i was drunk and tell him everything. he never called back. i texted him the next day and asked what he was doing. he still hasnt replied. i went home that night and threw my guts up. what will come out of this situation?

ok, so now im pretty much out to everyone at work. my friend asiangirl (who recently found out her bf was a homosexual) decided that she wanted to get out. so me, our friend stonergirl, and asaingirl invited our other gay friend, designerboy, over. designerboy brought another gay friend over so i could work on my gay social networking. this guy was creepy. anyway, we all drank and got stoned, watched porn and went out. creepy guy gave me weird looks all night. he wanted me. let me just tell you that we had a blast. we all danced the night away and got really drunk. i didnt puke that night.

today at work the craziest thing happened. i work at some kind of salon. a regular customer came in and asked me a personal question. he was mistaking me for designer boy. i clarified i wasnt that guy. the customer awkwardguy, got a smile on his face and asked me if i wanted to hang out sometime. i said yes and we exchanged numbers. we have been txting for the last 5 hours straight. of course this is an accomplishment for me so i decided to let designer boy in on the gig. he seemed excited about the situation. his mom knew him and he said that she said he was a good guy. this guy is really cool. he goes to law school for civil defense. he only wants to take cases that deal with homosexuality. he invited me to a drag show tonight but i decided not to go. hard to get lol. when i got off i went to supper with country girl and she was really excited about me being gay. i was sitting in a restaurant having the conversation i never thought i would have with countrygirl. weird. during that dinner designerboy called and said that if me and awkward guy wanted to hang out we could go to the coffee house and bar with him and a friends. i told him about he drag show and told him that i was gonna hang out at home. i was super excited that he invited me out though. i came home and was surfing the web when i get a txt from designer boy. it said--hey whats awkwardguys number? all of my friends want to meet him. wtf is up with that? why does he want this guys number? i dont understand. i guess we will see.

until next time.

My Life.

2008-07-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

i have always wanted to blog. i just have some stuff that i felt that people i know shouldnt hear. anonymous is just a great word. i dont even really know how to start this. I am gay. Sometimes, its really hard for me to say that. I am a man of God and yet i have feelings for men. the real question is-is whether my homosexuality is just a phase or permanent. i want it to be permanent but yet i dont. i guess im what you could call confused. there are a lot of things bothering me right now. i havent had the best family life, which if your lucky ill share later,but my seventeen year old is pregnant. she had her first doctors appointment a month ago. during the appointment they found out that her baby has a good chance of having downsyndrome. this scares me. my sissy is only 17 she cant raise a child much less one with specail needs. if i could write a book on gay rules the first rule would be to never fall for a straight guy. not only just a straight guy but your best friend. this sucks. anyway, he will be called birdboy. he looks like a bird. so birdboy is awesome pretty much. he doesnt know im gay. i thought about telling him but i didnt want to ruin our friendship. he is leaving in the morning and i dont know if i will ever see him again. this sucks. i mean he is moving 6 hours away and we could totally visit but i think he will move on. i am so excited for tommorrow though. its foam night at the local gay club. there is this guy who i would like to call downgrade. he is supposed to meet me there. i met him through a friend (who thinks im straight) anyway, i ran into him last weekend at the gay club and he danced with tme and my friend who we call tatts. im not gonna lie, i could do so much better but last time i saw him he got me hard dancing. i dont know what im going to do. if i am going to go against my morals then it might as well be somebody i would enjoy, but we will see i guess alcohol can do some crazy things. so pretty much this blog is just me spilling stuff out like crazzy. i dont know if i have anything else at the moment.